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from further, and possibly life threatening, injuries. It is my belief that Henry panicked in possession of the rugby ball and sprinted towards the pool in a blind panic. I brought him down, metres short of deadly danger, unfortunately causing him some pain in the process.
    Once again I apologise.
    Yours sincerely
Charlie Hooper
    PS If Henry is there, tell him to get back quick – school just isn’t the same without him.
    Mad Dog was wickedly impressed with the new version. He especially liked the pool bit and how it sounded like he’d saved Gecko’s life. He wasn’t sure about the PS because it’s common knowledge that Gecko’s in the sanatorium and not at home. I told Mad Dog that this was a perfect example of emotional blackmail. He seemed blown away with this and has vowed to call me ‘Brains’ from now on. To repay the debt, he invited me on a pigeon hunt at 05:00. When I declined he looked dangerous, so I told him that I loved eating pigeons but that I’m getting a sore throat.
    On his way to bed Mad Dog poured a glass of water over Vern’s sheet and then woke up the dormitory who all sneered and mocked poor Vern while he changed his bedding again. I remained silent and then felt guilty for hours for being a coward and not standing up for my cubicle mate.
Friday 2lst January
    Vern tripped over somebody’s foot at breakfast, which sent him and his mince on toast flying across the floor. There was riotous laughing and chanting until a grumpy old biology teacher called Mr Cartwright banged the gavel and announced that there would be no condiments for two days. Fatty was distraught at the thought of no butter on his bread, no jam, honey, salt, vinegar and tomato sauce. He has vowed deadly revenge on poor old Vern.
    11:00   Checked out John Milton in the library. Actually, I first walked into the staff room by mistake thinking it was the library – only to see a big bearded teacher tossing peanuts into his mouth. He glared at me, soI closed the door and sprinted away. Turns out that Milton is an old 17th century poet and Paradise Lost isn’t a novel but a long and boring poem that doesn’t seem to make much sense.
    11:30   I’m in! I’ve made the under 14A cricket team! It looks like I’m down to bat at ten. Simon is captain. Also in the side is Mad Dog, and Rambo was chosen for the B side. I phoned my parents to tell them the good news. Mom told me that Dad spent the night in prison and that she was on her way to bail him out! She gave no explanation for his arrest. My dad could be a murderer!
    12:00   Our first drama lesson was with Sparerib’s wife, Mrs Wilson, who’s nicknamed Eve. (Eve is said to come from the spare rib of Adam.) She has six rings in her ears and one in her nose. Her hair is braided and today she wore a long earth coloured dress with dangling beads and thick silver bracelets. Eve looks at least ten years younger than Sparerib. (I can’t believe this beautiful woman who looks like a forest fairy could have married Sparerib.) Boggo rates her breasts as incredible. I must admit they are impressive. I couldn’t help notice that Boggo was staring at them with glazed eyes and at the same time sneakily adjusting his trousers.
    Drama was awesome. We did all sorts of funny things like pretend we were animals, thunderstorms and drawing pins. Once everybody had stopped being shy we had an absolute blast. Even Vern did a fair impression of a snake giving birth to a seagull.
    Unfortunately, the lesson was ruined when Eve made us hold hands and tell each person that they were valuable and that we loved them. The sight of Boggo and Simon holding hands was too much for Rambo who stormed out of the class in disgust. Eve burst into tears and told us that our class had bad karma (which also explained why Gecko had a broken arm). She then caught up withRambo and called him into her office after the class where she tried to teach him how to meditate.
    19:30   Fatty’s on the brink of suicide.