Shell Shocked (The Cosmic Carapace, #1) Read Online Free

not Buzz Aldrin as he had been previously. Although this was how it always went with the changes, him noticing and the rest of the world being ignorant, this one annoyed him for another reason. His favourite chocolate bar, Buzz bars, had simply vanished from the shelves. It had been named after Aldrin originally, but apparently a chocolate bar named ‘Neil’ didn’t really have the same appeal to the marketing people as Buzz had had.
    He swilled the whiskey in his glass and wondered If the council would ever hire him again. Or if anyone would once word got out that he had broken the arm of the very old lady he was supposed to be invisibly watching.
    He was stirred from his thoughts by a knock on the door. He carefully placed the tortoise on the floor in case he crawled off the counter, and made his way to the hall.
    The silhouette outlined against the stained glass of the front door appeared to be wearing a top hat. It had to be said, this was not a common occurrence in Ealing, and Spencer visibly checked as he noticed, slowing for a second before continuing to the door and opening it.
    The man was indeed wearing a top hat, though oddly this wasn't the most striking aspect of him. Even in Ealing. A shock of white, straggly hair stuck out around the brim of the hat, coupled with a large, bristling, white moustache. White mind you, not grey. The most brilliant of whites. This facial hair extravaganza lived below a thunderous nose, bulbous and red in equal measure. His eyes sparkled blue with an electric mischievousness as he leant on the long dark wood cane he had in his right hand.
    His blue three piece suit had a military air, with brass buttons and gold thread dashed around. Though it was more Sergeant Pepper than Sergeant major.  He looked like Dick Van Dyke trying to play Willy Wonka, in a costume borrowed from Adam Ant.
    “Spencer!” he boomed, beaming a set of perfect teeth at the rather puzzled figure in front of him.
    “Yes?”
    “We need to talk young man about what you intend to do in life and how you think you're getting on with the aforementioned life, I would suggest it is not going well at all now that you have lost your job, your rent is due soon and you have no... romantic engagements...” at this last point he waggled his eyebrows. Quite an exhibition on someone with what looked like two white, hairy sausages above his eyes.
    This had all been rattled off so quickly that Spencer felt a little off balance, particularly as he was still looking at those eyebrows.
    “Well...”
    “Well I think it's best if I just come in and have a little chat over a nice cup of tea," the man said, pushing past Spencer into the kitchen/living room/bedroom.
    Spencer spun round to see him bend to look at the tortoise on the floor.
    “Ah! A tortoise! Quite wonderful creatures!”
    He wagged a long finger at Spencer who stood slack jawed and silent.
    “Though I think you could have taken more care with the choice of name.”
    ~~~~
    D espite now being sat in his own flat with a strange man in a ludicrous suit, Spencer was feeling relatively serene. This was of course partly because he was clouded in the warm fuzzy embrace of copious amounts of ale and several large whiskeys, but also because he was now nursing a cup of hot tea that wasn't spread across his trousers as the previous one of the day had been. The strange man had prattled on that tea leaves being the best reason he could see for trees, and how he was determined to one day grow his own, all the while breezily going about the actual making of said brew, with remarkable efficiency bearing in mind this was to him, a strange kitchen. To be honest, it was quite a strange kitchen to Spencer, who preferred to sample the delights of Ealing's finest takeaways. Ok not finest as such, but he had, he told himself, been discerning enough to have cut down the number of curries he had gotten from 'The Spice of Life' since he had found a piece of what had looked suspiciously