Save the Last Bullet for God Read Online Free Page A

and could feel Eldwin watching me. I
finally met his eyes.
    “Her file is in Dr. Huber’s office,” he
offered.
    I tried not to reveal my surprise at his
suggestion, but he had my interest.
    “ Oh, have you seen it?” I asked
tentatively.
    “No, but I have the key to every room and I’m
sure it’s there.”
    “Why are you telling me this,” I asked, my
guilt turning to annoyance.
    “You seem interested in her condition. Maybe
you could skim over the file tonight . . . and . . . and . . . ,”
he said suddenly looking down at my pocket.
    I realized I had one of the yellow pills in
my pocket. I fingered it for a moment before pulling it out to show
him. He closed my hand and looked away from me.
    “I blame your youth for your
indiscretion.”
    “Well . . . I didn’t mean. I thought you were
asking me….”
    “So you also believe in the hospital rumors
and are trying to benefit from them.”
    “I’m sorry,” I said, suddenly very
confused.
    “ I have a little granddaughter,” he
explained, “and my daughter and her husband died during the war.
She’s a seven-year-old girl, and I have to look after her because
she has no one but me. You think about all that responsibility and
obligation. Is it possible for me to use drugs?” His voice grew
severe.
    “I really didn’t know . . . and I . . . I
never meant it . . .,” I mumbled in shame.
    “I take those pills, yes, I do, but I take
them to sell so that I can look after a poor orphan. Do you
understand?”
    “Yes…I’m sorry….”
    Eldwin stood up, took a last look at
me, and walked away, leaving me alone with my shame. As he
disappeared into the darkness, he stopped and I heard his voice,
“Be here tomorrow at 11 p.m. You can only check the
file for 10 minutes.”
     
    I spent the time before my meeting with
Eldwin absorbed in my work and carefully staying away from the
women’s ward. When the time got closer, I paced the halls aimlessly
with my pencil and notebook counting the seconds until it was time
to go outside. The old man arrived at the bench late. He sat a
little distance away and slid me the file.
    When I realized that an open snuffbox lay
between us, I clumsily placed the yellow pill inside.
    “And another tomorrow,” Eldwin said as he
closed the snuffbox and moved it to his pocket.
    I nodded absently as I quickly opened the
file and began to read.
    Maria Orsic
    When I read her name, I felt a pleasurable
ache in my stomach.
    October 10, 1895, Zagreb
    She was two years older than me. I was
surprised.
     
    Mother is German, from Vienna. Father is
Croatian. First symptoms of antisocial behavior and blunted affect
at the age of 15, a sudden decline in school performance,
indefinite leave from school. First reported delusions at the age
of 17 along with persistent attempts to persuade others of their
veracity. Displays of aggressive behavior in conjunction with the
delusions, accompanied by periods of moodiness. Delusions of
supernatural creatures and extra-terrestrial communities. Patient
talks of having contact and exchanges of information with these
imagined entities.
     
    I tried to read faster as the old man moved
to take the file and leave. As the file was taken from my hands, I
glimpsed the last line.
    Likely diagnosis: severe paranoid
schizophrenia.
    The old man left, and I remained, stunned and
alone.
    In denial and in love, I grasped for strands
of hope. I was sure that those details were all wrong. I knew it.
With all the negatives I’d just read, how could I have been that
hopeful and happy? I must also have been delusional. But,
regardless, I wanted to prove it all wrong, to be the prince on a
white horse saving the princess from the fortress.
    That night, I turned over and over in bed,
trying to sleep. I had to talk to Maria.
    The next day, even though I couldn’t eat, I
stepped into the bakery and bought a small cream cake and a small
bar of chocolate. I stopped at the flower shop nearby and picked up
a small bunch of