Revenge of the Cootie Girls Read Online Free Page A

sweet, and twenty, so she’s not even old enough to drink.”
    â€œThere are two kinds of women in the world, Robin, those who laugh at fart jokes, and those who don’t. Does your intern laugh at fart jokes? Quality fart jokes, I mean.”
    â€œI really have no idea. Pulleeze don’t get me into any trouble tonight. I’m really tired—it’s been a day from hell—and I just don’t know how long I’ll be able to keep up with you.”
    Going on a tear with Tamayo requires a lot of energy, and a working woman like me needs a course of B-12 shots in preparation. The last spree I went on with her started with her one-woman show at La Mama, segued into a raucous NYU summer-school party, cruised through a couple of weird East Village bars, and ended with us getting in a bar brawl with a bunch of no-neck recently thawed cavemen from somewhere in Staten Island where toxic waste had apparently contaminated the groundwater and caused stunted brainstems and general necklessness. (There ought to be a telethon.) The cops were called, and it ended up in the gossip columns the next day. I didn’t need that kind of publicity either.
    Besides. I was getting a little old for barroom rough-housing.
    â€œHere, take one of these,” Tamayo said, slipping me a big fat pill.
    She showed me the bottle.
    â€œDoc Nature Seniors. Tamayo, these are vitamins for senior citizens.”
    â€œ Mega , time-release vitamins for senior citizens. Really powerful. You can get a serious vitamin buzz off them,” Tamayo said. “They’re all natural, with important amino acids and herbs and all that. They’re even better than those special New York Formula vitamins.”
    I took it with my coffee.
    â€œI had a rough day too,” she said. “Got up at one-thirty, ate Count Chocula with chocolate milk, watched the cartoon channel for an hour, had a tarot reading with Sally, then did my Comedy Central taping,” Tamayo said.
    It was just a tad annoying to a grownup like me to be friends with people who could sleep until the afternoon and get away with it, especially at a time when I had been working very hard to get and stay in touch with my inner grownup. Nigh thirty, and Tamayo still lives like Pippi Longstocking, which is why she was rumored to be chapters one and seven in ANN TV psychologist and best-selling author Solange Stevenson’s upcoming self-help book, The Pippi Longstocking Complex: Girls Who Won’t Grow Up .
    â€œHow was your taping?” I asked.
    â€œGood, did three promos, that’s where I got this costume. I’m up to cohost a new show for them.”
    â€œThat’s great.”
    â€œYeah, and a producer is interested in my movie.”
    â€œMan, when I left, things weren’t going so good for you.”
    â€œThat was then. This is now,” she said, and she began to tell me about the UFO movie she was writing, inspired by one of the special reports we did on alien abductions. It was about a young woman who gets abducted by a UFO and is taken to a planet where she and other humans are farmed for bodily fluids used to make an inhalable aphrodisiac.
    â€œThere are three genders on this planet,” she said. “All three are needed to procreate, and marriages are arranged by the government. Thus the need for aphrodisiacs, inhalable, because the creatures on this planet have a combination nose and mouth. A big face hole. Did I mention they communicate not with words but with a combination of high-pitched squeaks and foul smells?”
    â€œNo, you didn’t.”
    In Tamayo’s universe, anything was possible.
    â€œNobody ages on the planet, because it is perched right on the edge of a black hole, which is like being on the wrong end of an inverted volcano, a volcano that sucks in instead of spewing forth.”
    â€œThat would … suck.”
    â€œBut the planet isn’t sucked in, because it’s caught