Pigeon English Read Online Free Page A

everybody else feels it as well. It's even brutal, it's like you're all living in the same big house. You can pretend like it's an earthquake. Mr Tomlin said an earthquake only happens in the parts of the world where the rocks are too ticklish. Everybody laughed. Mr Tomlin is very funny. He even makes better jokes than Connor Green.
    I only don't like it when the shouting gets too loud. It makes me jump right out of my skin. It sounds like invaders coming to kill us. When the shouting gets too near I just turn the sound up on the TV to hide it.
    If any invaders come it's my job to send them away. That's what the man of the house is there for. We always keep the chain on the door and the locks locked up so the invaders can't get in. If they get inside we have to chook them with a fork (you can't chook them with a knife because it's murder. Forks is not. Forks is just self-defence). I'll stand in front of Lydia to protect her. And Mamma as well if she's home. While I'm fighting the invaders Lydia or Mamma are calling the police. I'd aim for the eye because it's the softest part. It would just make them blind. Then when they can't see anything I'd push them outside and into the lift. The lift is safe.
    It's only if invaders come. It might not even happen.
    I looked through the spyhole. It was only Miquita and Chanelle. I unlocked the locks and let them in.
    Miquita: 'What's this, security?'
    Lydia: 'Just let them in, Harrison.'
    Me: 'Don't call me Harrison, you're not Mamma.'
    Asweh, Lydia always acts like the boss when her friends come around. She's always bluffing and telling me to go to my room and do my homework. I don't want to go to my room. She only wants me to go so they can watch Hollyoaks. They think it's the greatest. It's only people kissing all the time. Sometimes it's even a boy kissing another boy! I swear by God, it's true! They're just disgusting.
    Me: 'I'm telling Mamma you were watching kissing. It's disgusting.'
    Then Lydia shuts the door in my face. She waits until I'm proper close, then she shuts the door. It's very mean. She never used to shut the door in my face. Now she does it all the time just so her stupid friends can laugh at me.
    Me: 'Let me in!'
    Lydia: 'Miquita doesn't want you to come in. You keep pinching her behind.'
    Me: 'Don't bring yourself! No I don't.'
    It's not even true. I've never pinched Miquita's behind. I'd rather put my fingers in a fire ants' nest. Miquita and Chanelle are both dey touch, they're always bluffing about all the boys they've sucked off (it means harder kissing). Miquita has a cherry lipstick. It actually tastes like cherry. She's always putting it on her lips. She says she wants to taste nice and sweet for when she kisses me.
    Me: 'You're never going to kiss me. I'll just split.'
    Miquita: 'Where to? There's nowhere to run. Don't be scared just 'cause you love me too much.'
    Me: 'I don't even love you. I wish you'd fall down a hole.'
    Miquita could be pretty if she kept her mouth shut. She sat on my hand and I went all hot. It was only an accident, I didn't mean to feel her behind. Anyway she bluffs too much, she's always abusing our TV just because it's made of wood and it's very old. We got it from the cancer shop, it used to belong to a dead person. The picture doesn't come straight away, you have to wait for it to warm up. When the picture first comes it's proper dark, then the real colours come after. The whole thing takes donkey hours. You can even go and greet the chief in the time between turning the TV on and the picture coming. I even tried it and it works.
    Miquita isn't going to the dead boy's funeral. She didn't know him.
    Miquita: 'What's the point, man? All funerals are the same, innit.'
    Me: 'It's only for respect.'
    Miquita: 'But I don't respect him. It's his own fault he got killed, he shouldn't have been fronting. You play with fire you get burned, innit.'
    Me: 'You don't know what you're talking about, you weren't even there. He didn't even front