Of Snakes Sex Playing in the Rain, Random Thou Read Online Free Page A

also carries warning labels all over it about using them, especially under water. But apart from these oddities and antiquities, who in his right mind eats a raw egg? I mean, how many people vault out of bed every morning, race to the fridge, and wolf down a couple of ice cold eggs straight from the shell?
    Well, somebody besides Sylvester Stallone must. Because our government will soon add to the basic price of eggs by demanding warning labels be printed on the cartons, if not on the actual eggs themselves. I have no doubt that some government agency somewhere has commissioned some research institute somewhere to investigate this by using a whole bunch of laboratory animals and a pile of tax dollars; the best agricultural minds in the country are at this moment probably stuffing raw eggs by the tens of thousands down the gullets of laboratory monkeys, mice, and rats, while at the same time trying figure out how to breed a chicken that will add the label to the shell before she lays it. This would cut down on production costs, for sure, and it would ensure uniformity.
    I hope we can look forward to a time when politicians and government bureaucrats will carry warning labels. Now, there’s a thought. “Warning: Taking this individual or bureau seriously can be harmful to one’s perception of reality and faith in reason. The main side effect is gross indifference and complacent acquiescence. Continuing belief in this individual or bureau can result in disillusionment, destruction of ideals, and possibly revolution. It will for sure result in economic woe, inequitable law, and specious rationalization, as well as self-serving aggrandizement and appeasement of the highest bidding lobbyist. Other common side-effects include excessive pork barrel expenditures and cuts in vital public services with a commensurate rise in taxes and large pay increases for the government leaders.” That’s a label I could believe in.
    For all these reasons, this volume of essays carries a warning that, if not properly used, the contents could be harmful. That’s because, innately and at bottom, an essay is an opinion; and opinions, as we’re told, are like . . . well, like eyebrows. Everyone has a set, and in most cases they tend to get unruly if they’re not properly trimmed. Unfortunately, no one is less bothered by overgrown eyebrows than the person wearing them, and no one is less bothered by the potential misuse of untrimmed opinions than the person expressing them. They’re not automatically harmful to your health, but if misused or misapplied, they can cause serious consternation.
    The best way to trim opinions is to use them properly, by assessing them, thinking about them, and then either agreeing or disagreeing with them. I’d love for my set of opinions to find agreement with everyone else’s; it’s possible, though, even likely, that many who read these will not agree with them. None will cause injury or death, though. There’s no government ordinance in danger of violation here, and they can be used both above and below the surface of any body of water. I’m in no danger of anyone commissioning a research institute to investigate them or of wasting any tax dollars in presenting them; in fact, the biggest danger is that they are merely inconsequential. But importantly, no laboratory animal was harmed in their conception or expression.
    My fondest hope is that a reader might find a thought or two that will be worth contemplating. Perhaps a chuckle might arise here, a sober thought there. I cannot imagine that my opinions are right most of the time, or even some of the time. If that were true, I’d be inclined to start my own religion. In the meantime, though, I’ll just hope for the best, find a handy body of water, and maybe cook up an egg—before it’s too late.

LET’S HAVE ANOTHER CUP OF COFFEE!
    “I have measured out my life with coffee spoons.”
    — T.S. Eliot

    I don’t remember my first cup of coffee. That may