Odyssey In A Teacup Read Online Free

bulges like Ken’s!’
    Never mind that Ralph actually spoke like this as a child; I suspect that six years on when his moving parts fell out of his shorts, he probably thought Ken was lucky.
    Gwen looked again through narrowed eyes, and just shrugged. It was her turn. She lay back and pulled down her pants. Ralph scrutinised her exposed noonie, examining it from all angles. He then casually picked up a caterpillar that was marching across the clearing, and perched it on her pubic mound.
    ‘Why d’ya do that?’ I asked him when he relayed the story.
    ‘I just wanted to see what it would look like.’
    Wow ... so young and already contemplating the aesthetics of pubic topiary for a woman. Clearly, Ralph was a mini man of vision. That he displayed a lack of it while he was straddling the mini bike was his hard luck.
    A few months after his unfortunate display, Maxi, Vette and I attended a youth camp (Ralph’s family couldn’t afford to send him). It was here that I experienced my first lip kiss. A group of seventeen of us—eight boys, nine girls—were playing spin the bottle. I had a thing for Aaron Eisen, who was sitting directly opposite me in the circle. He spun the bottle but it didn’t land on me. Cassandra was the lucky girl who got to kiss him. Then with her spin, the bottle pointed at Eugene, but Cassandra refused to kiss him because he was beastly looking. He still got to spin the bottle, though, and it stopped at me. I didn’t want to kiss Eugene either, but ...
    I had been paying close attention to kissing scenes in movies and frankly, I was sick of practising on my hand or the doorjamb. Even though the seventeen-to-one odds of my upcoming spin landing on Aaron were not great, if I did get lucky, I didn’t want him to think I was inexperienced. So I let Eugene kiss me.
    Eugene looked like a blobfish. He had fat, squishy, wet lips, and he opened his mouth really wide as he zoomed in. I had to match him or my whole head would have disappeared down his yawning gob. But when his tongue darted in and out of my mouth like a gecko, I retched. Eugene appeared wounded.
    Maxi, who was sitting next to me, leaned over and whispered, ‘Way to go, kemosabe!’
    This made me feel worse than I already did. Callous as it sounds, it wasn’t that I felt guilty about almost yacking in Eugene’s mouth and upsetting him, I was only concerned about Aaron’s reaction. Would he ever want to kiss me with that special image imprinted on his psyche? I looked at Maxi sheepishly; she tried to make me feel better.
    ‘Hey, don’t look so worried. Check it out. You gave him a stiff.’
    Ecch. If only she’d been talking about Aaron ...
    The others then urged me to have my spin. The bottleneck pointed at Jonah. Jonah wasn’t as ugly. His head was shaped like a turnip and he had a small mouth, which made his lips look frozen in a permanent pucker. He closed in on me and made sucking and nibbling movements, like a goldfish eating a long worm. There was no danger of being vacuumed into his blowhole or even his tongue shooting out, because the aperture width was too narrow.
    The kiss wasn’t great, but it wasn’t revolting. Jonah’s face was flushed when he was done. With that, and with his strawberry-red hair, compact yap and a sudden, er, swelling, Jonah reminded me of the Dr Seuss character, Gustav the Goldfish. Little dude eats fish food and realises he’s made a boo-boo. He grows twice as long, thick and wide; exceeding his fishbowl, his tail hangs outside. My thoughts got all lyrical:
     
I regretted the deed, ‘cause just like Eugene,
My kiss set in action a small part unseen.
Quite clear to all present, he wasn’t a queen!
A formal salute in the pants of young Jonah!
The upshot of snogging; the boy gotta boner!
     
    Maybe I wasn’t up there with the likes of Theodor Seuss Geisel just yet, but clearly, I had talent (even if it was as a prick teaser). And I was determined to exercise it.
    Kissing became the sport du jour