No-One Ever Has Sex on a Tuesday Read Online Free Page B

abundance of sex with a twenty-five-year-old was certainly not what Matthew needed to hear right now. Ian leaned towards him and whispered in his ear. ‘She rang me at work yesterday. Told me what she was going to do to me that night. I couldn’t get up from my desk until I had stared at the HM Revenue and Customs self-assessment page for at least ten minutes.’
    ‘Where on earth did you find her?’ asked Matthew as he watched Becki shimmy her way back across the pub, barely staying in control of her towering spike heels.
    ‘Online, mate,’ Ian declared. ‘Finally the internet comes up with something truly useful. A way of disseminating signals from women before you even have to meet them. Saves so much time. And they have to put them in black and white, so it gets rid of all the guesswork. Becki’s profile clearly states that she prefers good-looking older men with life experience who can keep up with her energetic lifestyle. I think I fit that bill to a T, don’t you?’
    ‘What you sayin’?’ giggled Becki as she slid into her seat next to Ian.
    ‘I was just telling my good friend here that I knew instantly that we were going to be totally compatible . . . in every way.’ Ian raised his eyebrows at her.
    To Becki’s credit, she blushed slightly. Ian put his arm around her and looked smugly over at Matthew.
    ‘I’ve bought a waterbed,’ he said, grinning proudly.
    Matthew stared back.
    ‘Why?’ was all he could find to ask.
    Becki’s eyes grew big and round.
    ‘Have you never done it on a waterbed?’ she exclaimed.
    Ian and Becki’s eyes bored into him.
    ‘No,’ he replied.
    ‘Oh my God!’ cried Becki. ‘It is the best, seriously. We went away last weekend, didn’t we, Ian, just to Blackpool, and Ian booked a room with a waterbed.’
    Ian was still grinning smugly.
    ‘It was amaaazing,’ continued Becki. ‘Honestly unbelievable. Anyway, Ian said we have to get one of these, and now he’s bought one. It’s coming next week. I’m so excited.’
    Matthew nodded at Becki and Ian.
    ‘I’m very happy for both of you,’ he said sarcastically.
    ‘You can so borrow it, can’t he, Ian?’ cried Becki. ‘You have to try it, seriously.’
    ‘Alison would be well up for it, I reckon,’ Ian offered.
    ‘Alison has just given birth to twins. Having sex on a waterbed is not high up on her list of priorities at the moment, I can assure you.’
    ‘Oh, come on,’ said Ian. ‘Might be just the thing to get her back in the saddle again.’
    ‘Look,’ said Matthew, slamming his fist on the table and making Becki jump so violently that her breasts threatened to break out of her too-tight top. ‘Can we get off the sex talk, please?’
    An elderly gentleman stared over from the next table and tutted.
    ‘Calm down, mate,’ said Ian. ‘Just because you’re going through a dry spell, there’s no need to get angry. I remember what it’s like when kids arrive; I’ve been through it, remember. My advice is to get back in the swing of it as soon as you can before one of you forgets how to do it.’
    ‘You have no idea what it’s like with the twins in the house,’ said Matthew. ‘It’s fine. I’ll wait until Alison’s ready.’
    ‘When was the last time, mate?’ asked Ian.
    ‘What?’
    ‘When was the last time?’
    ‘You can’t ask me that,’ said Matthew, looking nervously at Becki.
    ‘I just did.’
    Matthew thought for a minute, though he didn’t really need to. He knew exactly when the last time he’d had sex was.
    ‘With Katy,’ he muttered. He picked up his pint glass and went for a swig until he realised it was empty.
    ‘You have got to be kidding me!’ exclaimed Ian, leaning back in his chair, his eyes wide in amazement.
    ‘Katy?’ said Becki. ‘I thought you said your wife’s name was Alison?’
    ‘It is,’ said Ian, raising his eyebrows at Becki.
    ‘So . . . er . . . who’s Katy?’ asked Becki, looking from Ian to Matthew. Matthew slumped back in his