Mealtimes and Milestones Read Online Free Page B

this isn’t what I want in my life. I just want to escape and never return.
    I got a text from one of my friends tonight and it said:
    TEXT MESSAGE:
    Babe. There is always a tunnel out. ALWAYS. You have just got to wait until you find it – Which will be very soon. Everything will seem better soon. Keep the faith
     babe. xxx
    I just found that so inspirational, and I was really proud to be friends with someone so supportive, and things like that give me glimmers of hope, which I really need
right now.
    Sunday 12 August
    I really wanted to go to church this morning. I just find it really helpful. It gives me an hour of peace. I find prayer very beneficial, and I believe that if you believe
enough, God will answer your prayers. I used to go to church a lot with my dad when I was younger, but then I stopped. But since I’ve been ill, I’ve been praying a lot more, before I go
to sleep.
    You have to be up to date, 11 though, to go to church, and that is what got me through breakfast. I just had to give myself a chance to show myself that I
did deserve to live. At the end of breakfast I still didn’t think that I deserved my life, but at least I had managed a meal.
    One of the nurses came over and said that they were pleased that I had completed breakfast, and that church had motivated me, but they were concerned about how the rest of the day would turn
out, because to be up to date before church I actually only needed to eat breakfast because we would leave at 10 a.m.
    She also wanted to talk to me about tomorrow’s trip to Willen Lake, one of the activity trips that take place in the summer holidays. You can do canoeing, low ropes, high ropes, 12 orienteering, etc. I would be restricted anyway on some of the activities because of my tube. She also reminded me that the tube would only come out once I’d
been completely up to date for three whole days – they didn’t want to take it out and then have to put it back in because it’s quite an intrusive procedure.
    She said that she would allow me to go to church though.
    I did have mixed feelings about going to church with my tube because I was afraid people would stare at me. On one side I am very ashamed of having a tube because it shows that I have given up
the fight, but I’m also proud of it because it shows me that I am doing well at being the ‘best anorexic’. Although it was embarrassing I did wonder what people were thinking when
they saw me . . . and yes, people did stare.
    When we got back for snacks, I felt an enormous amount of pressure because I wanted to try to prove to the staff that I did deserve to go to church. It was very hard as usual, but I did manage
it.
    When I got to lunch, though, I just broke down. I couldn’t keep going. I had eaten breakfast and snacks and I just couldn’t face lunch. At first I even found it hard to look at the
plate, but slowly I managed to see that eating it orally would be much less painful than being fed through the tube, and eventually made a start. I was shocked and annoyed, though, that I
didn’t receive any support from the nurse. I don’t know if it was on purpose, but I just found it strange, because she could see that I was crying and obviously stressed. When I asked
for a tissue the student nurse brought them over. She put the box next to me and I took one, but then the nurse said, ‘No, take the box away.’ I got the impression that either she was
seeing what I could do on my own or she was cross with me because she had allowed me to go to church and now I was struggling to eat lunch.
    I ate most of it, but I couldn’t get on to my pudding, even though I knew that meant I’d have to have a feed by tube and I didn’t want it to happen.
    I tried the wrapping method again at snacks, but I was concerned because I couldn’t see the actual amount of calories on the packet. It has become an obsession. If I don’t know I
become more scared. What if I put something high in calories in my body