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stomp violently down on the accelerator and basically nothing would happen for several lunar cycles, because the Valiant was no more capable of acceleration than a fire hydrant. This was the only car ever manufactured that traveled faster on the assembly line than under its own power.
    You could not hit anything in a Valiant. Fully mature trees moved quickly enough to get out of its way. So it couldn’t do any damage even with me at the wheel. If I were in charge, today’s teenagers would be permitted to drive
only
if they drove Plymouth Valiant station wagons. Also I would require these teenagers to tune the Valiant’s AM radio to New York station WINS and listen to the late Murray the K play hit 1963 tunes such as “Da Doo Ron Ron” because THAT WAS MUSIC, DAMMIT.
    Unfortunately, Sophie, I am not in charge, which means you’re going to be driving on roads teeming with modern high-speed automobiles operated by incompetent idiots such as (no offense) yourself. To prove that you’re qualified to do this, the State of Florida will make you take a test based on the information found in the official
Florida Driver’s Handbook
. For example, the test may ask you to identify the Florida “standard” speed in business or residential areas. According to the
Handbook
, the “correct” answer, the one you should mark on your test, is 30 miles per hour.
    But listen very carefully, Sophie: If you’re driving in Miami and do not wish to be the target of small-arms fire, IN THE NAME OF GOD DO NOT GO AT A “STANDARD” SPEED OF 30 MILES PER HOUR. Miami drivers go faster than that in a car wash. Likewise, the
Driver’s Handbook
will tell you that if you’re approaching a traffic light as it turns yellow, you should attempt to stop. But in Miami, doing that would cause your car to be instantly converted into a large sheet-metal origami sculpture by the seventeen cars immediately behind you.
    My point, Sophie, is that there’s a big difference between how the
Florida Driver’s Handbook
says you should drive and how actual humans drive in Florida, especially South Florida. So to help you understand the mind-set you will encounter on the roads here, I’ve prepared this:
    REALITY-BASED FLORIDA DRIVER’S Q & A
    Q. If I arrive at an intersection at the same time as another motorist, who goes first?
    A. You do.
    Q. But what if . . .
    A. There IS no “what if.” YOU GO FIRST.
    Q. Florida law strictly prohibits texting while driving. Does this law apply to me?
    A. Ha-ha! Of course not.
    Q. If I stop at a red light, how will I know when it turns green?
    A. You will hear honking behind you. This is your cue to start wrapping up your current text, unless of course it is important.
    Q. I have noticed that some roads have more than one lane. What is the purpose of the extra lanes?
    A. To provide a place for you to swerve into while texting.
    Q. When I come to a stop sign, do I need to stop?
    A. You personally?
    Q. Yes.
    A. No.
    Q. How is the turn signal used in Florida?
    A. It is used to indicate to other motorists that you do not realize your turn signal is blinking.
    Q. Could it also be used to signal your intention to turn or change lanes?
    A. Interesting! Nobody has ever tried that.
    Q. What is the best kind of food to eat while driving?
    A. Any food—such as a sandwich, turkey leg, oyster or Ding Dong—that can be eaten one-handed, so you still have a hand free for texting.
    Q. What if an emergency situation arises that might require me to operate the steering wheel?
    A. Use your forehead to honk the horn until the emergency has passed.
    Q. My car’s engine seems to have stopped and I hear a “burbling” noise. What could be causing this?
    A. Are you a senior citizen?
    Q. Yes.
    A. You have driven into a swimming pool.
    Q. I am a young male idiot who prefers to drive at a high rate of speed in densely populated areas while texting. How