Lighter Shades of Grey Read Online Free Page A

any mother but yours would undoubtedly tell you, staring down at your knotted fingers when someone asks you a civilised question makes you look surly and rude.
In a post-SATC world, any reference to “tea, bag out” or “bag out tea” is automatically funny.
    Good hair, pants that hang from hips (2)
    “He’s tall, broad-shouldered, and slim, and the way those pants hang from his hips…oh my. Once or twice he runs his long, graceful fingers through his now dry but still disorderly hair. Hmm…I’d like to do that.” (p42)
    Dear Ms James,
There is a limit to the number of times I want or need to be told how well these pants hang from his hips, and we have now exceeded it.
While it’s traditional for TwiHarders to venerate Robert Pattinson’s hair, as this book is not officially Not Fan Fiction any more, it’s okay to get rid of this particular trope. In fact, I insist.
    Idle speculation about things that normal people already know
    “He has a coffee which bears a wonderful leaf-pattern imprinted in the milk. How do they do that? I wonder idly.”(p42)
    Oh come on .

    Photo: TandemRacer [flickr]
    Ana’s musings about her cup of tea
    “Your thoughts?” he prompts me.
    “This is my favourite tea.” My voice is quiet, breathy…he frowns. He knows I’m hiding something. (42)
    Or alternatively, he’s reconsidering the wisdom of going for coffee with a woman who, when asked for her thoughts, can muster nothing more significant than “this coffee shop has access to the same brand of teabags I normally favour”. Your pick.
    More about Ana’s cup of tea
    “I like my tea black and weak,” I mutter…
    “I see. Is he your boyfriend?” (p42)
    Really, Ana, that’s enough on the subject of this gosh-darn ever-lovin’ cup of -
    Wait, wait, wait. Hang on a minute.
    Did Christian Grey just racially insult José ?
    Christian eats a muffin (not a metaphor)
    Grey…glances down at his blueberry muffin. His long fingers deftly peel back the paper, and I watch, fascinated. (p43)
    Let’s hope she never sees him peel an orange. She might never get over the shock.
    Twenty-first century etiquette
    “Why haven’t you asked me to call you by your first name?” I’m surprised by my audacity. (p44)
    See Ana, I don’t know how it works in your part of the world, but round where I live, by the time you’re at the going-to-a-coffee-shop-and-asking-for-each-other’s-thoughts stage, you can pretty much take it for granted that you’re allowed to use each other’s first names.
    And I’m British and was therefore born with a stick up my ass.
    More twenty-first century etiquette
    “The only people who use my given name are my family and a few close friends. That’s the way I like it.” (p44)
    Presumably other people just have a special gesture they make that indicates your divine presence.
    Christian and Ana are not quite as good as Bogart and Bacall
    “Are you an only child?” he asks.
    Whoa…he keeps changing direction. (p44)
    Whoa …Ana, maybe that’s because you’re acting like you were raised by wolves and have never before encountered this thing we humans call conversation, and he’s flailing desperately around trying to get you off the subject of your cup of tea and into some semblance of normal conversational exchange.
    Things that are not romantic
    “My mom is wonderful. She’s an incurable romantic. She’s currently on her fourth husband.”
    Christian raises his eyebrows in surprise. (p45)
    Ana, I think it’s the word “currently” that really undermines your central premise here.
    The world’s oddest description
    “What’s [your stepfather] like?”
    “Ray? He’s…taciturn.” (p45)
    Find me one person (other than Will Self) who has ever used the word “taciturn” in everyday conversation. Just one.
    Ana the genius
    “…it’s England that I’d really like to visit…it’s the home of Shakespeare, Austen, the Bronte sisters, Thomas Hardy. I’d like to see the places that inspired those