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hippy hair out of her eyes. ‘And I’ve had conversations with you before. The way that they’ve ended has taught me to begin with suspicion otherwise I wind up being bamboozled into some ridiculous plan of yours.’
    ‘Charming.’
    ‘Wait a second, I’ll just activate my bamboozle barrier.’
    And she pretended to erect some sort of force field. She’s so childish. I don’t know why the authorities let her keep me.
    I folded my arms. ‘So you admit that you’re suspicious. That’s nice, isn’t it? When some mothers hear their child’s voice they start to well up with love and pride, but you just purse your wrinkly lips and expect the worst from me. It’s a wonder I haven’t turned to crime.’
    I thought she was going to launch into some tutting and huffing, but instead she nodded. ‘You’re right. I shouldn’t tease when you’re trying to be serious. Just wipe those negative vibes away.’
    And she actually mimed wiping off an invisible blackboard like some sort of geriatric CBeebies presenter. ‘Now, what did you want to say, sweetheart?’
    ‘I need a holiday.’
    ‘A holiday?’
    ‘I thought somewhere educational. Like New York or Ibiza.’
    Her CBeebies grin faltered. ‘How are either of those locations educational?’
    ‘Travel broadens the mind. If I went to both then my mind would be pretty broad by the time I got back.’
    She was a bit of a funny colour at this point so I said, ‘Actually, you look a little peaky, perhaps you should have a holiday too. Except, I know that you and Dad aren’t really money-making go-getters, so perhaps it would be more sensible if you went somewhere closer to home. Maybe you could stay with Aunt Joyce?’
    She opened and shut her mouth. Which I could kind of understand because at Aunt Joyce’s house you’re not allowed to put anything down without a mat under it, and that includes your head. Seriously, all of her pillows have got crocheted doily things on. But I had given this some thought.
    ‘I’m suggesting Aunt Joyce’s because then you’d be near enough to keep an eye on Sam.’
    ‘Sam?’
    I nodded. ‘You might be called to a meeting with his head teacher, or a court appearance or something. I mean, I know you haven’t bothered much with his upbringing so far, but if you’re really strict from now on maybe you can avoid having him butcher us all in our beds.’
    She snorted.
    ‘Was that a snort of agreement? Or is your body protesting about your vegan lifestyle?’
    She snorted again.
    ‘Are you laughing? I thought you wanted me to take more of an interest in Sam.’
    She hiccupped in a very undignified fashion. ‘Oh Faith, is this really your way of asking for a holiday?’
    ‘I prefer to call it an educational trip of a lifetime.’
    ‘Nobody could accuse you of sucking up to get what you want like some teenagers. Although if you ever wanted to go down that route, you know there’s good behaviour, washing up, foot rubs . . .’
    I shuddered.
    ‘I just want you to know that your father and I are very open to that sort of bribery. Your dad would probably accept cash too.’
    ‘Due to the fact that you’ve failed to provide me with a fortune to inherit I haven’t got a lot of money, but if you say yes I might think about some washing up. With the exception of Sam’s plates. I dread to think what you could catch from his spit.’
    Mum didn’t say anything.
    ‘So you’ll think about it?’ I asked.
    ‘I find myself completely unable to think about anything other than what a cheeky madam you are.’
    It seems that my parents are not prepared to help me experience world culture. They would rather my brain rotted in this stifling environment. We haven’t even got any paintings by famous artists and I clearly remember that the last time I tried to express myself through dance Dad got very shirty when I knocked over some horrible old ornament.
    They’re lucky that I’m naturally extraordinary.
    FRIDAY 27TH APRIL
    This morning