Laugh Lines: Conversations With Comedians Read Online Free

a hammock by a lake. I have a friend who does have a hammock. She doesn’t have a lake, but she has a creek. Coincidentally, I saw this picture of her house, and this is the image I had had in my head for decades—where I wish I’d spent the last 30 decades. I don’t have that many decades left. Well, maybe I do, who knows. We never know what marvels of modern science will evolve.
     
    Corey: We’ll see where this healthcare thing goes.
     
    Lily: That’s a good line. I should have said that. I should have said, ‘Who knows. We’ll see where this healthcare thing goes.’ They would say, ‘She’s so quick-witted.’ That little D-List Kathy Griffin is quick-witted.
     
    Corey: I’ve had the chance to interview her a few times. The timing is refreshing.
     
    Lily: She’s very funny.
     
    Corey: What is the perfect Saturday night for you and Jane?
     
    Lily: Oh, make popcorn and watch a movie. Or jump in the pool or something.
     
    Corey: I think I have one more question. Do you have a favorite dirty joke you like to tell?
     
    Lily: Favorite dirty joke? That’s what Barbara Walters ought to glom on to. Does she still do those specials? That would be better than, ‘What do you want on your tombstone?’
     
    The ones that come to my mind really fast are mostly jokes from junior high school and stuff. I don’t know how really funny they are anymore. My girlfriend, Susie and I, we were in junior high school and high school together, but this is one from junior high.
     
    These girls are talking about their boyfriends, and they’re saying … I don’t even like to tell it now, because now it’s racist—because it’s Chinese. It doesn’t have to be Chinese now in these days of tattoos, but then it did.
     
    She said, ‘My boyfriend has his dragon tattooed on his chest.’ The next girl says, ‘Oh, my boyfriend has his dragon on his back.’
     
    You can probably already hear it coming.
     
    The third girl says, ‘My boyfriend has his draggin’ on the ground.’ (laughs)
     
    We thought that was a scream.
     
    Then another one we always liked, because you could act it out.
     
    Some old couple wasn’t having sex anymore—one of those old stories. The wife goes to the doctor and says, ‘My husband won’t have anything to do with me and blah blah blah.’ He gives her some white tablets and he says, ‘Go home, lie on the bed, insert these tablets in the vagina.’
     
    My housekeepers are listening to me now; it’s embarrassing. (laughs) ‘It’s Lily,’ and throws her hands down like this is nothing.
     
    All right, this is how far you’ll go, Lillian, to be in the limelight. The loss of your dignity is a terrible price for fame.
     
    Jane switches it. ‘Fame is a terrible price to pay for the loss of one’s dignity.’
     
    OK, so he comes from work, and she yells, ‘Harry, hurry, come upstairs.’ He goes upstairs. ‘Quick, take the two white tablets on the dresser and throw them inside my vagina. The doctor says we’ll be compelled to have sex or something.’ He does, and she shrinks back and he says, ‘What happened here?’
     
    You use your face like you’re chewing something.
     
    ‘ I’m looking at your vagina, and it’s going like this.’ She says, ‘Oh my god, you threw in the Chiclets!’
     
    Those are the two that come to mind. (laughs)
     

Dan Aykroyd
     
     
     
    He’s been a Blues Brother, Ghostbuster, Miss Daisy’s son and Fred Garvin: Male Prostitute.
     
    Legend of Comedy shouldn’t get tossed about nonchalantly, but Dan Aykroyd is certainly that, a living legend of comedy. He was one of the original Not Ready for Prime Time Players on “Saturday Night Live” and a scene stealer at Second City Toronto in the early ’70s (yes, he’s Canadian, but we won’t hold that against him).
     
    His interests include the paranormal and old rhythm and blues music, and he has parlayed his loves into a helluva career, co-writing the aforementioned “Ghostbusters” films,