Kick Me Read Online Free

from
The Sound of Music.
Well, except that I had freakishly large feet.
    No, I thought, maybe I was going to be okay.
    After lunch, our teacher, Miss Connor, informed us it was time to change into our costumes and get ready for the pageant. She shepherded the girls off to another room to change, and we boys went about the business of transforming ourselves into Santa’s army.
    What I saw next worried me.
    Out of every bag, my peers produced gaily colored costumes. Bright reds and greens and crisp clean whites made the room glow. The infusion of hues seemed to have an almost magical effect on our otherwise colorless classroom. My friends all started donning their vibrant costumes, shorts with white fake fur around the waist and matching suspenders that actually crossed in the back. Some of the kids even had green or red tights. And everyone had shoes that looked like they came from a Hollywood studio costume department. These were the most realistic-looking elf costumes I had ever seen, better than the ones worn by the teenagers who worked at the mall and dragged you over to Santa to have your picture taken. And it was in this atmosphere that I pulled out my United States military elf attire.
    “What color is
that?
” asked Brian in the same tone of voice he would have used if I had pulled a turd out of the bag.
    “It’s O.D. green,” I said defensively.
    “What’s
odie
green?”
    “
O.D.
stands for
olive drab,
” I said disdainfully, hoping to make Brian realize how uneducated he was in the vernacular of our country’s military.
    “Elves aren’t that color,” piped in Mike. “You’re gonna look like a booger.”
    This got a round of laughter, as any reference to bodily functions or emissions always did back then, and it was quite clear I had a long afternoon ahead of me.
    I put on my outfit and became the focal point of the room.
    “What’s wrong with your feet?” another kid said incredulously.
    “They’re elf feet. They’re
sup-posed
to be big.”
    “Elves’ feet aren’t big,” said Brian. “Their
shoes
are big.”
    “No they’re not,” I countered. “It’s their
feet.
They’re big and curly. My mom said so.”
    “Well, your mom is wrong.”
    Miss Connor came back into the room and looked us all over.
    “Very nice. You all look wonderful,” she said with a smile that showed she was overcome with the cuteness of the scene. Then she saw me. “Oh . . . my” was all she could muster as she stared at me with a furrowed brow that seemed to say, “Maybe I should call Child Services.”
    “He doesn’t look like an elf, does he, Miss
Con-nor?
” Mike said, throwing a mocking glance my way. He always had an annoying habit of using Miss Connor’s name like a weapon to prove my stupidity.
    “I don’t know,” said Miss Connor. “I think he looks exactly like the kind of elf who would have doubts about Christmas.”
    Touché. I had spent the last several months unsure whether I should have a crush on Miss Connor or not, and now I found the scales tipping in her favor. It had been a toss-up between Miss Connor and Amy Lepnick, the blond-haired girl who sat at the front of my row. But since Miss Connor had just given me a great defense for my costume and Amy had just that morning informed me, “Your ears are too big,” Miss Connor was now the love of my life.
    “That’s right, Miss Connor. That’s why my parents made me dress like this,” I said, giving Miss Connor my most sincere teacher’s pet smile. Mike rolled his eyes.
    Miss Connor brought us out into the hallway, where the girls were waiting. They, like my fellow male elves, all looked like they had been professionally outfitted by the costumer of the Ice Capades. Each girl was wearing a red or green short dress with white fur on the hem and on the ends of her sleeves. They had on matching stockings and shoes that all seemed to have just the right amount of curl. Their shoes also made their feet look actual size. I guess even in