Jennifer Johnson Is Sick of Being Single Read Online Free Page B

she should cook.
    Privet milaya moya!
    I am of to your love. It is of a preposterous thing. Please to meet me in small dress of the sexy and know that I am of a marrying way.
    â€”Vasya
    The third and fourth messages seem so similar, I suspect they are the result of an Exploding Hearts “first-e-mail” tutorial. Like fill-in-the-blank Mad Libs for guys too stupid to write something of their own.
    Hi there Jen!
    Are you tired of the same old boring guys? Do you want a meaningful relationship? Well look no further! That’s what I want! I am a successful, educated professional who exactly matches the description of what you’re looking for! Please contact me at your earliest convenience, so we can see if our hearts are meant to explode together!
    â€”UNEVERKNOWRITE?
    The second one says:
    Hi there sexy!
    Are you tired of the same old boring guys? Do you want a good time? Well look no further! That’s what I want! I am a business student who exactly matches the description of what you’re looking for! Please contact me at your earliest convenience, so we can see if our hearts are meant to explode together!
    â€”The14U!
    What’s the point of telling someone “about yourself” anyway? Nobody tells the truth. Everything means something else. I’ve learned what a few things really mean the hard way and I’ve started my own dating profile–to-English translation phrasebook.
HANDY AROUND THE HOUSE
He will not call a plumber under any circumstances. Ever.
GOOD WITH MONEY
He’s a cheap bastard and will make you go Dutch. Forever .
FAMILY MAN
He’s still married.
LOVES KIDS
He has kids and no daycare provider.
MATURE MAN
He’s at least fifty , and looks at least sixty-five.
YOUNG AT HEART
He’s trolling for a preteen.
CASUAL GUY
He wears dirty sweatpants out to dinner.
METROSEXUAL
He’s hoping if he dates one more girl , he won’t be gay. Doesn’t matter. He’s gay.
LOVES MOVIES
Loves porn.
GOOD PERSONALITY
He’s fat.
GREAT SENSE OF HUMOR
He’s fat and desperate. Will laugh at anything you say.
OUTDOORSY
He pees in the sink.
READY TO SETTLE DOWN
He’s just been dumped.
LIKES TO HAVE A GOOD TIME
He gets drunk. A lot.
LOTS OF FUN AT PARTIES
He makes an ass of himself in public.
A GREAT DANCER
He thinks he’s a great dancer. He’s not.
NOT OVERLY EMOTIONAL
He’s a sociopath.
SELDOM DATES
Seldom gets second dates .
UNDERSTANDS WOMEN
He’s been married and divorced four times.
    I hate online dating. I really do. The odds are so stacked against the possibility that you might like and be attracted to a total stranger, who then also likes and is attracted to you, that they cannot be calculated. I’ve been on so many uncomfortable, if not painful, dates that I’m starting to go out on blind dates armed with a suicide hotline number in my purse.
    I don’t think I can handle one more nerve-wracking, mind-numbing date/freak-fest/judge-a-thon where we sit across the table picking each other apart, hoping we aren’t being picked apart, but of course we are and so one of us ends up crying in the car. Maybe I should just quit this site, although they never let you go without a fight, so you have to click through three more screens that ask you:
    ARE YOU SURE YOU WANT TO CANCEL YOUR ACCOUNT? CANCELING YOUR ACCOUNT IS PERMANENT AND CANNOT BE UNDONE. YOU WILL LOSE YOUR ENTIRE PROFILE INCLUDING YOUR PICTURES. PLEASE LIST YOUR REASONS FOR LEAVING US HERE. REMEMBER YOU ALSO HAVE THE OPTION TO HIDE YOUR ACCOUNT RATHER THAN CANCEL IT. NO ONE WILL BE ABLE TO SEE YOUR ACCOUNT IF YOU HIDE IT AND YOU CAN COME BACK ANYTIME TO REACTIVATE.
    What they’re really saying is:
    ARE YOU SURE YOU WANT TO CANCEL YOUR ACCOUNT? LET’S REVIEW THE SITUATION. YOU WERE DESPERATE ENOUGH TO COME HERE IN THE FIRST PLACE, SO THINGS WERE ALREADY PRETTY BAD, RIGHT? MOST PEOPLE ARE MARRIED BY NOW AND YOU OBVIOUSLY MISSED THATBOAT. THAT BOAT, SHALL WE SAY,