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God.’
    ‘Precisely. He’s one of the greatest players ever to kick a football, but it certainly hasn’t helped his reputation in this country.’
    ‘Good point. But Webb had already given the goal, hadn’t he? And an accidental handball is held to be different from a deliberate one.’
    ‘Law five clearly states that the referee can change his mind until play has restarted. And it hadn’t. So Webb was quite within his rights to do what he did. Mind you, it takes a pretty strong referee to do that. If it had been anyone but Howard Webb I expect the goal would have been allowed to stand, in spite of what Taylor said. Most refs hate to change their minds. It was lucky, I guess, that we won the match 2–1. I might not be so happy about what he did if we’d dropped two points. But you know, I wouldn’t be at all surprised if Taylor wins the Player of the Month on the strength of that confession. It’s the sort of fair play the FA likes to shine a spotlight on.’
    ‘All right. You’ve convinced me. Now tell me about this Scottish goalkeeper, Kenny Traynor. Zarco says you’ve known him for a while. And that you’ve seen him play.’
    ‘Yes, I have.’
    ‘João wants to buy him.’
    ‘So do I.’
    ‘Nine million is a lot of money for a goalkeeper.’
    ‘You’ll be glad you spent nine million on a goalkeeper if we’re in a penalty shoot-out at a European final. It was the Bayern goalkeeper, Manuel Neuer, who saved Lukaku’s penalty and delivered the Germans the 2013 UEFA Super Cup. He almost won the Champions League for them against Chelsea the previous year. Christ, he even scored one himself in the shoot-out. No, boss, when push comes to shove you don’t want to find we’ve got Calamity James in goal.’
    Calamity James was what Liverpool supporters had called David James – a little unfairly – when he’d played for them.
    ‘When you put it like that, yes, I suppose you’re right.’
    ‘Traynor’s the Scotland number one. Not that there’s much choice up there, mind. But I saw him make a diving save against Portugal at Hampden that the Scots still talk about. Cristiano Ronaldo hammered one from eighteen yards that was going into the top corner all the way, but I swear Traynor must have launched himself twenty feet through the air to fist that ball over the bar. Watching it you’d believe a man could fly. Check it out on YouTube. The Jocks don’t call him Clark Kent for nothing. He’s a nice lad. Quiet. Not at all chippy like some north of the border. Works hard in training. And he’s possessed of the biggest, safest hands in football. His dad is a butcher in Dumfries and he’s got his mitts from him. As big as bloody hams, they are. And his hand–eye coordination is superb. When he did the BATAK Challenge he scored 136. The record is 139.’
    ‘If I knew what that was—’ said Viktor.
    ‘Not to mention his clearance kick. That boy has a boot on him and no mistake.’
    ‘I’ve seen some of the films and I agree he’s good. I’d just feel more comfortable about buying him if Denis Kampfner wasn’t his agent. The man’s a crook, isn’t he?’
    Restraining my first impulse, which was to mention something about the pot calling the kettle black, I agreed. ‘Agents? They’re all crooks. But at least Kampfner’s a FIFA-registered crook.’
    ‘As if that makes a difference.’
    ‘It’s like evolution, Viktor. Agents seem to fulfil a need and I guess we have to tolerate them. Like those birds that sit on the backs of rhinos and peck the ticks out of their ears.’
    ‘Ten per cent of nine million is a little more than a tick.’
    ‘True.’
    ‘So maybe I’ll bring in my own agent to handle it. Zarco thinks I should.’
    ‘I thought that’s why we had a sporting director. To help make deals like this.’
    ‘Trevor John is more of a club ambassador than a deal-maker. He helps promote the club and makes it look good when, thanks to the BBC, I don’t. Between you and me, he