It Had to Be You Read Online Free Page B

Oliver ’s pained expression.
    ‘ Who does this sort of thing at Christmas,’ I say with a little sob. ‘It’s so cruel.’
    ‘ Half the male population if you ask me. Little shits,’ she snarls. ‘If I go round there I’m likely to give him a knuckle sandwich.’
    ‘ Can you get my chocolate teapot,’ I say, the thought of it comforting me. ‘You can’t pop round now can you?’
    She tsks at me.
    ‘I’m stressed,’ I urge.
    ‘ Yes, and you’ll eat the whole pot. Honestly you and your M&Ms. Has it ever occurred to you that most women don’t hide sweets in teapots just so their boyfriend won’t nag them?’
    I sigh.
    ‘His parents were coming on Boxing Day,’ I say stupidly. ‘I bought ham on the bone and tons of salad. The fridge is bulging. I nearly bought a whole turkey. I never buy that much food.’
    I grab another mince pie.
    ‘You don’t have cream do you?’ I say miserably.
    ‘ Don’t comfort eat or you’ll end up huge.’
    I so need my chocolate teapot.
    ‘I don’t care. I never want to look at another man. Food is my best friend and lover now,’ I say with a boldness I really don’t feel.
    ‘I’m never making myself nice for a man again. I shall end up like that woman in the film Monster and become a lesbian.’
    Muffy steps back slightly.
    ‘Christ Binki, don’t do anything extreme.’
    That reminds me.
    ‘Ah, too late. I threw my job in too, so it couldn’t get any worse could it?’
    Muffy stares at me.
    ‘Why on earth did you throw your job in? Are you out of your mind? Have you been drinking?’
    That ’s great isn’t it? My best friend thinks I can only do something drastic when intoxicated.
    ‘ No, I just kind of had an epiphany. There I was waiting in the queue for my morning cappuccino and I thought I’m going to chuck my job in today. Of course I hadn’t been drinking,’ I snap. ‘Ben Newman tried to thrill drill me over the office desk and that just kind of clinched it,’ I add scornfully.
    I stuff a mince pie into my mouth. Muffy stands over me with a carton of single cream. I ’m wondering if she needs me to tip my mouth up so she can pour some in. She places the carton onto the coffee table with shaking hands. That’s the only good thing about your boyfriend balancing a bimbo on his balls isn’t it? It’s the one excuse to eat exactly what and as much as you like, and no one likes to tell you off. After all, if you can’t stuff your face at a time like this then when can you?
    ‘ Ben Newman tried to give you one?’ she says wide-eyed.
    I nod.
    ‘And we’re not talking bonus. You’d never believe it possible would you? At the same time my boyfriend was …’ It’s no good I can’t say it. I hate men, I really do. I’m giving them up. No more men for me.
    ‘ While he was, you know with her, my boss was also trying to have me over his desk. On Christmas Eve, can you believe it? He was all fired up to give me his thrill drill. So I bluntly told him where to stuff his thrill drill. He then kind of blackmailed me so I had no choice but to leave. I was stupidly hoping Oliver would give him a black eye.’
    Her mouth gapes open and tiny pieces of mince pie drop out. I look at her in disgust as she grabs a tissue.
    ‘Ben Newman?’ she says aghast. ‘Ben Newman with the wart on his nose tried to have you over the desk? Ben Newman?’ she repeats like a parrot. I think we’ve now established my boss’s name is Ben Newman.
    ‘ Don’t look that bloody shocked. I still have some pulling power. I’m not twenty stone yet you know,’ I say trying to hide my hurt feelings.
    ‘ I suppose you should be grateful he didn’t ask for a blow job,’ sniffs Muffy. ‘Then again, I suppose you wouldn’t have had to look at the wart.’
    I stare at her.
    ‘Okay, just a thought,’ she mumbles.
    ‘ Christ Muffy, I’m eating,’ I groan.
    Her phone erupts and we both jump. I stare at it in horror.
    ‘Don’t answer it,’ I scream. ‘It’s