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asked her if she liked LA: “Well, sometimes I just want to go away for a year to someplace warm.” (It was eighty-one degrees in November at the time.)
    And, possibly my all-time favorite, from a girl I was walking with in the Hollywood Hills, through a beautiful but heavily wooded area: “Oh my God! This totally reminds me of Rainforest Cafe!”
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    I once met a girl at a party who clearly had fake breasts. Later, my friend told me that she was a virgin. This annoyed me. Virgins shouldn’t have fake breasts. In fact, if you have implants before intercourse, I think you should get an asterisk on your V-card.
    I also don’t trust a woman with the number 2000 in her email address. If she chose it after the millennium, it demonstrates a lack of creativity. If she chose it before the millennium, well, she really wasn’t looking too far ahead. Chicks should also never, ever use text or IM abbreviations in real life. Newsflash: LOL and OMG are not real words. Say them out loud again and I’ll TTYL.
    WHAT A GUY WANTS
     
    Guys typically have unreasonable expectations. It’s not unusual, when asked if a girl is attractive, for a guy to tell his friend, “She’s cute, but if she lost, say, thirty-five pounds, she’d be slammin’.” In our heads, we actually believe that this is both a reasonable request and an easily attainable goal. On the other hand, guys will steadfastly refuse to change anything—our weight, our hair, or our underwear—to satisfy a chick’s slightest preference. Our appearance is nonnegotiable, no matter what the consequences.
    We can also be unapologetic dicks. I was in a bar once when I saw a girl I knew back in the day but hadn’t seen in a while. I said to a mutual friend, “Hey, is that Leslie? She looks amazing.” And my buddy said, “Yeah, she was actually sick for a while. She had really bad mono; like she almost died.” I said, “Damn, that’s the best thing that ever happened to her!”
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    ODE TO A WIFE-BEATER
     
    What do I look for in a girl? Is it a sense of humor? A certain body type? Shared interests? No. I’m really just looking for someone in a wife-beater. I think chicks in beaters are incredibly sexy. That’s my thing. Now, just to be clear, a wife-beater is white. If you’re wearing anything but white, or anything with rhinestones or designs of any kind, that’s not a beater, it’s a fucking tank top. I’m talking about the kind of beaters you get at Target in a pack of three for $9.99. A beater is not just an article of clothing, it’s a statement. A chick in a wife-beater is saying, “I don’t care what you think.” She’s saying, “I don’t need fancy clothes to look hot.” But most of all she’s saying, “Hey you, stranger, look at my tits.”
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    I love how some women actually think they look cuter in glasses. Um, no. The whole time, all I’m doing is imagining what it would be like to fuck you without your glasses. Some girls wear glasses even if they don’t need them. What, do I have a librarian fetish? And to the chicks who do need a prescription: quit being so goddamn lazy. If I can have lasers burn fucking holes in my eyes, you can throw in some contacts in the morning.
    Ultimately, what guys absolutely do not want is drama. For instance, I kinda wanna bang the chick who cuts my hair. But I’m forced to balance that notion with the possible fallout. Afterward, would I ever be able to get my hair cut there again? Does she seem like the clingy type? Those scissors do look sharp. The last thing I want to do is risk upsetting her and leave our next appointment with a mohawk or, worse, one less ear than I came in with.
    IT AIN’T EASY DATING ME
     
    I would be lying if I said that the lack of success I’ve had with romantic relationships was due solely to the irrational behavior of the women I’ve dated. I’m acutely self-aware and can admit that getting along with me is no piece of cake. I can be neurotic and downright strange.