I'll Never Be Young Again Read Online Free

or where he came from, all I knew was that there was something of splendour about him that had lifted me away from myself, making the coward in me sorry and lamentable beside his grandeur. He must have been some six or seven years older than me, but I felt there was no necessity to ask these sorts of questions.
    We accepted each other and that was all.
    ‘My name’s Jake,’ he said, throwing away his cigarette, ‘what do you call yourself ?’
    I hesitated like a poor fool, and then stumbled over my words, realizing that my father’s name could not matter to such as he, fame would be one of those things that would leave him untouched, save for a smile and a shrug of his shoulder.
    ‘Oh! call me Dick,’ I said, ‘that’s good enough for me,’ but even as I muttered this stupidly I hated to feel he had been aware of my hesitation. It was as though some remnant of family pride still clung about me, reminding me that the shackles of relationship could never be shaken off.
    At that moment I loathed the memory of my home more than ever; I could not bear that instinctively it should step between me and my freedom.
    He asked me suddenly how old I was, and I told him I was twenty-one.
    ‘You mustn’t throw it away,’ he said.
    ‘No,’ I said.
    I don’t think I really knew what he meant.
    ‘Life,’ he said, ‘isn’t just whining about things. There’s something tremendous in it. We don’t want to go messing up our chances. There’s so much to know, so much to do. No reason for us to crumple.’
    I wondered why he included himself in my inferiority, and I thought that this was his way of showing sympathy. He was pulling himself down to my level. I didn’t want him to do that, it was a humiliation to both of us, but especially to him. I knew that however desperate his life might have been, however lonely and bitter and distressed, he would not have done what I had tried to do.
    He would have been sufficient to himself and never lonely.
    ‘Oh! you,’ I said, ‘you’re different -’
    I felt hot and ashamed, but he did not notice this, unless he kept his thoughts to himself.
    The darkness had come while we had been talking, and there were no wide streaks left in the sky and no dark patches.
    There was a star above the black smudge of St Paul’s.
    I was grateful to the darkness and grateful to the vast sound of London in the distance. I loved the warm air and the spent dust, the lights of the world that still accepted me, the listless scent of a summer evening, the movement of people, and the blessed certitude of the small star. And above all the voice and nearness of my companion.
    The river beneath the bridge was remote now and beyond me, the very water running so swift and silently held no suggestion of horror. It had even lost its power of fascination. I was superior on my firm bridge and it could not reach me. I would not be afraid of it again.
    Perhaps in a way I was dazzled at the thrill of escape, I was oddly excited at the possibility of adventure, I wanted to show off. I swung my legs carelessly over the parapet, whistling to myself, knowing I should not fall.
    Jake laughed, and steadied my arm as though I were a child.
    ‘You’re safe now, aren’t you?’ he said.
    I felt small and ridiculous, and was not sure how much of a fool he thought me. I wished I was different, I wished I were stronger than he.
    It would be good to win his approval over anything.
    ‘What are we going to do?’ I asked, and I wondered whether he realized how I hung upon his words. He did not answer me directly, his face was in shadow and I could not learn the expression in his eyes. Once more he continued in a channel of his own thoughts.
    ‘Being young,’ he said, ‘is something you won’t understand until it’s gone from you, and then it will come in a flash, leaving you a little wiser than before.You won’t be lonely, you won’t be unhappy, possibly there will be a great peace and security. You’ll go on, you see,