I'll Mature When I'm Dead Read Online Free
Author: Dave Barry
they stop listening.
In the early phases of your relationship with a man, he listens to you a lot, because he is trying to solve a very important problem, namely, getting you to have sex with him. No matter what you talk about—your work, your friends, the fruit flies of the Ryukyu Islands—the man will pay close attention, because you might give him a clue indicating how he can get you to become naked.
Once he has solved this problem, he becomes more selective in his listening. He will be most alert when you talk about a specific, clearly defined problem, because he can then use his reasoning skills to come up with a solution. For example, if you tell him that the car motor is making a funny noise, he will listen intently, then determine what he needs to do, namely, wait for a few days, in case it goes away.
But when it comes to feelings, the man is in trouble. Scientists using brain probes have determined that the average man has approximately one feeling per hour, versus 850 for the average woman. So the man is not as comfortable with feelings as you are. When you pour out your feelings to him, he tries to figure out what the specific problem is so he can take action. But he quickly becomes confused, because there doesn’t seem to be a problem; he doesn’t understand what you want him to do . If you tell him you don’t want him to do anything, that you just want him to listen to you and to share his feelings in return, you only make it worse, because at any given moment he has just the one feeling, and it’s usually something along the lines of “My balls itch.”
Eventually the man concludes that for some reason you periodically have a massive internal buildup of feelings that must be released in the direction of another human being. He adopts a strategy of monitoring these releases for key words or phrases indicating a problem that he might have to do something about, such as “fire,” “internal bleeding,” or “district attorney.” Otherwise he’s just hunkered down, waiting for the feelingstorm to blow over, maybe sneaking a peek at the sports highlights so his time is not completely wasted.
Q. But doesn’t it occur to men that, because these feelings are important to somebody he cares about, they should also be important to HIM?
A. What?
Q. Never mind. Why do men feel that they must know what’s on every TV channel all the time?
A. Back in prehistoric times, when men had to protect their loved ones by peeing standing up, they also were responsible for feeding their families by hunting. This meant they had to be constantly scanning the environment, always searching for prey.
Q. So you’re saying that when men change channels, they’re looking for prey?
A. No, breasts.
Q. Why ARE men so obsessed with breasts?
A. In many species, males and females use visual cues to attract each other for the purpose of facilitating reproduction, which is necessary to avoid extinction. For example, the male peacock drags around an enormous tail, which he displays to the female peacock, who responds: “Whoa! That is some large tail you have! Let’s engage in reproductive activity in the form of getting it on!”
Yes, she is treating the male as a sex object. But this does not bother him. He does not think, “Why is she so obsessed with my tail? It’s just feathers , for God’s sake. She can’t even make eye contact with me!” Why doesn’t he think this? Because his brain is the size of a Cheerio. But also because he knows that unless the female becomes attracted to him, there will be no reproduction, and if there is no reproduction, then peacocks will become extinct. So he is happy to display this important visual cue to the opposite gender.
Q. Are you suggesting that women should go around displaying their breasts to males?
A. I was talking about peacocks. But hey, sure.
Q. Why do men refuse to read instructions?
A. As we have established, men have
In the early phases of your relationship with a man, he listens to you a lot, because he is trying to solve a very important problem, namely, getting you to have sex with him. No matter what you talk about—your work, your friends, the fruit flies of the Ryukyu Islands—the man will pay close attention, because you might give him a clue indicating how he can get you to become naked.
Once he has solved this problem, he becomes more selective in his listening. He will be most alert when you talk about a specific, clearly defined problem, because he can then use his reasoning skills to come up with a solution. For example, if you tell him that the car motor is making a funny noise, he will listen intently, then determine what he needs to do, namely, wait for a few days, in case it goes away.
But when it comes to feelings, the man is in trouble. Scientists using brain probes have determined that the average man has approximately one feeling per hour, versus 850 for the average woman. So the man is not as comfortable with feelings as you are. When you pour out your feelings to him, he tries to figure out what the specific problem is so he can take action. But he quickly becomes confused, because there doesn’t seem to be a problem; he doesn’t understand what you want him to do . If you tell him you don’t want him to do anything, that you just want him to listen to you and to share his feelings in return, you only make it worse, because at any given moment he has just the one feeling, and it’s usually something along the lines of “My balls itch.”
Eventually the man concludes that for some reason you periodically have a massive internal buildup of feelings that must be released in the direction of another human being. He adopts a strategy of monitoring these releases for key words or phrases indicating a problem that he might have to do something about, such as “fire,” “internal bleeding,” or “district attorney.” Otherwise he’s just hunkered down, waiting for the feelingstorm to blow over, maybe sneaking a peek at the sports highlights so his time is not completely wasted.
Q. But doesn’t it occur to men that, because these feelings are important to somebody he cares about, they should also be important to HIM?
A. What?
Q. Never mind. Why do men feel that they must know what’s on every TV channel all the time?
A. Back in prehistoric times, when men had to protect their loved ones by peeing standing up, they also were responsible for feeding their families by hunting. This meant they had to be constantly scanning the environment, always searching for prey.
Q. So you’re saying that when men change channels, they’re looking for prey?
A. No, breasts.
Q. Why ARE men so obsessed with breasts?
A. In many species, males and females use visual cues to attract each other for the purpose of facilitating reproduction, which is necessary to avoid extinction. For example, the male peacock drags around an enormous tail, which he displays to the female peacock, who responds: “Whoa! That is some large tail you have! Let’s engage in reproductive activity in the form of getting it on!”
Yes, she is treating the male as a sex object. But this does not bother him. He does not think, “Why is she so obsessed with my tail? It’s just feathers , for God’s sake. She can’t even make eye contact with me!” Why doesn’t he think this? Because his brain is the size of a Cheerio. But also because he knows that unless the female becomes attracted to him, there will be no reproduction, and if there is no reproduction, then peacocks will become extinct. So he is happy to display this important visual cue to the opposite gender.
Q. Are you suggesting that women should go around displaying their breasts to males?
A. I was talking about peacocks. But hey, sure.
Q. Why do men refuse to read instructions?
A. As we have established, men have
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