but heâs as conservative as they come, a regular Milquetoast. Thatâs why I need him. To him, a manâs reputation is number one. To me, itâs about number twenty. As far as Iâm concerned, a man who makes no mistakes has got to be sitting on his hands. Iâve made a few in my time, more than a few, but Iâll take the responsibility for them and no one else. And Iâll tell you this much. All this, all Iâve built,â and he made a circling gesture with his paw as though he meant to include not just the house but half of California, âis so much dirt. Thatâs all it is, dirt. Thatâs what itâs worth to me now. The man who could give me back my wife and daughter could have it all on a platter.â
He looked over his shoulder at a big formal oil portrait of what I took to be Nancy and Karen. I looked with him. The earnest way he studied it would have made you think it was the Mona Lisa at least, which it wasnât. Oh it was them all right, you could see the resemblance, the mother sitting, Karen, age circa ten, standing alongside her, but like most of those high society art jobs it had about as much life as a couple of slabs of plastic meat in a butcherâs counter.
âBut I guess the only one who could do that,â he said softly, laughing a little, âis the Good Lord, and my connections in that direction arenât any too good.â
It was corny and it got a lot cornier. Like all the rich and powerful his talk was full of âphilosophy,â and to hear him youâd have thought all heâd really wanted out of life was to live with his wife and daughter in a little thatched cottage by some stream where the fishing was good and electricity non-essential. He gave me his own version of Nancy and Karen, how the one was the model of womanhood and the other was going to be, how the last time heâd talked to her, which was only a week before sheâd ⦠but all of it flat too, like the portrait.
But then the meat-and-potatoes came back into his voice.
âIâm gonna find out what happened to her,â he said.
Not âI want toâ or âI want you toâ but âIâm gonna .â
âI donât believe in accidents,â he went on. âYou just donât fall out a window. And whatever anyone tells me, she didnât jump. I know that.â
I wanted to ask him how, but he didnât need any help from me.
âI know it in my heart,â he said. âShe was her motherâs daughter ⦠and mine. Thereâs no suicide in the family. Hell, Nancy lived her whole life like she was going to last till ninety, and that was as true the day she died as the day I met her.
âAnd my brother Alan,â he said. âYouâve heard of my brother Alan?â
No, I hadnât.
âKilled in Korea,â he said, and I felt my stomach going tight. âBut he died a heroâs death. They gave him the Silver Star.
âAnyway,â he went on, âKarie is ⦠was ⦠the same way. Sure she had her bad times, crises, when the world was coming to an end, but she was a battler. She was never one to lie down and say thatâs it.
âSure,â he said, combing his hand through his hair, âI didnât see as much of her as I should have, wanted to. She was down here at the University, and since Nancy died ⦠well, I guess Iâve spent most of my time in town. You know how it is. But we always could talk to each other, there was none of that father-daughter Freudian crap between us. I was proud as hell of her. She had a million friends. They were always over here, she had the run of the house, no questions asked. I â¦â
He paused and stared out the window.
The thirty-footer had disappeared.
âYou mean you think she was pushed ?â I asked, like they do on TV.
He seemed hardly to have heard me. He looked down at his hands.
âI donât