How to Raise a Jewish Dog Read Online Free Page B

change, so will your thoughts. Your Inner Monologue will start to resemble the one of the owner raising
     a Jewish dog. Because, of course, that’s what you’ll be!
    You will then be ready to master the techniques discussed in chapter 3, such as “Situational Martyrdom,” “The It’s-All-About-Me
     Spotlight Grab,” and “Prolonged Being-Very-Disappointed-in-the-Dog.”
    Case History: Roxy
    BY RABBI MARY-MARGARET
    Roxy was a twenty-five-pound beagle-terrier mix that Lily saw running around the street in Simi Valley, California. Being
     an animal lover, Lily had stopped to help move the dog out of harm’s way when another Good Samaritan gave her the dog’s name
     and address. Lily was told that the dog was always escaping and that the owners either didn’t care about the dog or were going
     through a rough time in their lives and were too overwhelmed to bother. Lily took the dog back to the house and rang the bell.
     “Is this your dog?” she asked. The man said “no” and slammed the door in her face. Lily had no choice but to take the dog
     home with her.
    But Roxy, an alpha, was not particularly nice or friendly to the other dogs in Lily’s world. So Lily decided to find Roxy
     another home. She searched, in vain, for three weeks. Finally, one day at work, Lily realized she was looking forward to going
     home and seeing Roxy. That was when she accepted the fact that Roxy was now her dog. Lily stopped off on her way home from
     work to get the dog an ID tag from the pet store. But when she arrived home she discovered, to her horror, that Roxy had escaped.
     It took hours of frantic phone calling and walking to track her down.
    Thus began one of the most endearing Jewish dog-owner relationships in the history of the BRTS, and the one that most completely
     embodied the Seminary’s principle of Ultimate Ownership Martyrdom: “As soon as you commit to loving them completely, they
     leave.”
THE DOG TRANSFORMED
    Once you have transformed yourself (via your Inner Monologue), you will be ready to transform your dog from a wild animal
     into a Jewish dog, outwardly obedient, inwardly self-conscious and intelligent, and emotionally inseparable from its owner
     (you!). By the end of our training program, your dog’s Inner Monologue will go something like this:
    INNER MONOLOGUE: JEWISH DOG
    WHAT’S WITH ALL THE
SQUEALING
? JUST TO GIVE ME A LOUSY COOKIE? ALWAYS WITH THE SQUEALING AND THE YELLING BEFORE GIVING ME A COOKIE. I NEED THIS? OKAY,
     I HAVE TO TAKE COOKIES WHEN THEY’RE OFFERED BECAUSE (A) THEY’RE FOOD, AND (B) SHE’LL STOP SQUEALING. EVEN IF I’M NOT HUNGRY
     I TAKE IT AND PUT IT IN THE SOFA FOR LATER. BECAUSE, LET’S FACE IT, I HAVE TO. FOOD. THIS MAKES HER SQUEAL AND YELL MORE (ABOUT
     THE SOFA) AND THEN—THIS IS SO TYPICAL—WHAT DOES SHE DO? SHE TRIES TO GIVE ME ANOTHER COOKIE. BUT I’M NOT HUNGRY! IS THAT SO
     HARD TO UNDERSTAND? SOMETIMES A DOG IS NOT HUNGRY (ALTHOUGH I HAVE TO TAKE THE COOKIE ANYWAY BECAUSE IT’S FOOD). AND SO I
     HAVE TO BURY THAT ONE IN THE SOFA, TOO (MORE SQUEALING AND YELLING), AND SUDDENLY IT’S THE VET! OR SHE BREAKS OUT THE ROAST
     BEEF (EXCELLENT FOOD), WHICH, EVEN IF I’M NOT HUNGRY, HOW CAN YOU TURN IT DOWN? YOU CAN’T. YOU CAN’T SAY NO! TO ROAST BEEF.
     SO NOW I’M EVEN LESS HUNGRY THAN NOT HUNGRY AND I HAVE TO LIE DOWN. MORE SQUEALING. MORE “VET.” MORE TOUCHING ON THE NOSE
     AND YELLING AND SQUEALING. I’M NOT SICK, I’M FULL. BUT THAT MAKES HER INSANE. I EAT, I DON’T EAT, IT DOESN’T MATTER. THERE’S
     NO PLEASING HER. EVER.
    Thus, the relationship between the Jewish dog and his owner is entirely unlike the relationship (if you can even call it that)
     between conventional dog and owner. In a conventional relationship, the owner imposes his needs and desires upon the dog,
     and the dog, within certain limits, alters his behavior in compliance with the owner’s desires. In the relationship between
     a Jewish dog and his owner, the owner adores