How To Kill Friends And Implicate People Read Online Free Page B

was fast,’ I say.
    ‘I was nearby.’ Joe sounds pissed off. But he was never happy. I think he’ll enjoy this. Me calling him now. It’s just like old times. I’m bringing a bit of fun back to his life.
    We go way back.
    Joe’s parents died when he was a wean, and my da pretty much raised him. Joe was always cleverer than me, so it was his job to keep me out of shite. And I kept pushing that as far as I could. It was like a game, see how much trouble I could cause, and still have Joe to fix it.
    Before that thing with the fish.
    That was right after Joe had finished a law degree. We’d helped him through it, paid for extra tutors, bribed teachers, all the stuff that families do, aye? He was going to be our guy on the inside, until I fucked it up, and my da cut both of us off.
    Joe landed on his feet though. Big time.
    He’s high up in the local Labour Party now, behind the scenes. He’s the guy who pulls the strings, like. Arranges things, sets up meetings, cleans up messes. And he does practise law sometimes, too. Usually it’s free jobs he takes.
    What’s that phrase? Like the lead singer of U2? Summat Bonio?
    Well, that’s what he does. Because it looks good, and it makes people think he’s a good guy. But I know the truth. He’ll kill yer fuckin’ fish as soon as look at you. Which is why he’s my kinda guy.
    ‘How’s the lawyering?’ I say.
    He sighs. ‘Busy.’
    ‘Still doing that bonio work?’
    ‘Pro bono. You make it sound like a dog biscuit.’
    ‘That’s the badger.’
    ‘Yeah, still doing it.’
    ‘And the politics shite?’
    ‘Yeah.’
    Joe walks past me and into the flat. He stops in the doorway to the bathroom, and looks down at Martin. He grunts. It’s not quite a surprised noise, more like he’s saying, Here we go again.
    ‘Anything else?’ he says.
    He looks at me with tired eyes. I thought he’d enjoy this, but no. His expression makes it feel like I’ve just walked into his office at the end of the day and put another pile of legal stuff on his desk.
    I nod toward the bedroom and he goes to take a look. Even his walk looks fed up, he moves slow, with a great weight pressing down on him. I follow in. He bends down in front of Dom Porter. He’s not fazed by seeing the fat fucker’s pecker, but then, I reckon Joe likes a bit of cock.
    ‘He wasn’t supposed to be here,’ he says. He doesn’t turn to face me. He’s still staring at the dead body. ‘Neither were you.’
    ‘It was going to be my fucking Babycham, bro.’ Then it hits me and I add, ‘What do you mean, he wasn’t supposed to be here ?’
    He turns and looks up at me now. ‘Your what ?’
    ‘You know, my big job. My masterpiece. Cal’s big score.’
    ‘ Babycham ?’
    ‘Aye. Pure classy.’
    Joe looks at me like I’ve got a screw loose. Maybe the Babycham is too expensive for all those secret lawyer clubs he must go to. Whatever. Fuck it.
    I carry on. ‘But now Paula’s missing, and these guys are, well, spoiler alert an’ aw that, but they’re deid.’
    He stands up and laughs. ‘Spoiler alert an aw’ that.’ Then shakes his head and looks at me again. For just a second, I can see the old Joe in there, the one who used to like listening to my banter.
    I hear someone behind me, and turn around. There’s a big guy there. Looks like a bouncer, maybe. Has a beard and a flat cap, but he’s dressed smart, in a suit. I didn’t hear him come in. How didn’t I hear him come in?
    This isnae good.
    I look back at Joe and try again. ‘Joe, what did you mean, about him not being here? And who’s this guy?’
    Joe looks past me to the big guy, and nods. He says, ‘Todd,’ but it’s more in greeting to him than answering me.
    I turn to look at this Todd guy. He’s wearing black gloves.
    ‘I sorted the other problem,’ he says.
    I’m all, like, What the fuck? Is this a code?
    Todd reaches inside his suit jacket and pulls out a gun. The last thing that goes through my brain, before the bullet,