Fifty Shades of Thrifty (a Parody) Read Online Free Page B

Bright sunshine
spilled through the large window, illuminating the room but shedding no light
on my problem.
    Serena furrowed
her brow. "Guys, I'm not sure he exists."
    "Fuhgeddaboudit,"
said Roxanne. "The only guys left are the Pope and Tim Tebow."
    I shrugged.
"So I have high standards."
    "You have unreal standards," said Ariel. "Your problem is
that you've spent your life going after politicians who are supposed to be
squeaky clean, and you expect the men you date to be that way. Everyone has
baggage. Some have a carry-on, others have more than a trophy wife on a
European vacation."
    "Fine,"
I said. "So I need to lower my standards."
    "You don't
have to lower them," said Serena, "you just have to learn to accept
the fact that there is no one out there with every single quality you
want."
    I nodded,
realizing they were right. "Okay. So I become more open minded about men.
There, we're done. Let's go to dinner."
    "Not so
fast," said Ariel. "And not dressed like that. You're not going out
in those outfits anymore."
    I looked down at
my clothes, a pair of red and black plaid slacks and a bulky purple sweater.
"What's wrong with this?"
    "It's fine
if you wanna pick up a guy at Home Depot," said Roxanne.
    "I always
attract men," I said. "That's why you call me Wing Girl."
    "The Brass
Cupcake attracts men," said Serena. "Belinda needs to learn how to
keep them."
    "Really?"
said Ariel. "Pants and flats for a Saturday night?"
    "They're
comfortable," I said.
    "Men want
heels and skirts," said Serena. "We know you've got great legs under
there. We've been to the beach with you."
    "And the
hair," said Roxanne, rolling her eyes as she pointed at my head.
    "What?"
I asked.
    "The bun is
done," she said.
    "You're
blessed with that beautiful red and you tie it up in a bun of steel," said
Ariel. "Meanwhile, the glasses have got to go. We need to see that
green."
    "I can't see
without glasses."
    "As a
reporter you should know there's been a fabulous new invention called contact
lenses," said Serena. "Maybe you've read about it."
    "So you're
giving me a total makeover."
    "Yep,"
said Ariel.
    "Right
now?"
    ***
    As my friends
took inventory in my two bedroom closets, I wasn't sure how this makeover thing
was gonna come out. I mean, I've got three women who are all very different and
the combined advice might result in something out of a horror movie.
    Ariel is my
oldest and closest friend. She's a tall drink of water from a wealthy section
of Connecticut who grew up with every privilege and ran off the trust fund
reservation by actually having a career. The horror! A Madison Avenue
copywriter, Ariel is clever at turning a phrase whether she has to pitch cars
or feminine hygiene products. She can also weave a tapestry of words into a
blanket under which a man becomes powerless.
    Always impeccably
dressed in classic clothes and a strand of pearls, she's the proverbial
blue-eyed blonde with the high cheekbones, a sharp nose and full lips. Add her
customary four-inch heels to the five-ten frame, and you've got a girl who
could probably be a model if she wanted to.
    Serena is an
attorney from California who learned early on that male members of a jury can
often be distracted by a lawyer who dresses as if she needs a bail bondsman and
a public defender. Her short hemlines are legendary in New York courtrooms, as
she's known for "skirting the issues" when it comes to closing
arguments.
    She's not a
stunner by any means, but she's kinda pretty and makes the most of what she's
got. In a sea of New York women obsessed with black, Serena has a closet full
of red, so she always stands out. Her big, shoulder length hair harkens back to
the eighties, framing an angular face and a cute pug nose. She's got these
devilish hazel eyes that always make her look like she's up to something.
Probably because she is, either in the courtroom, bedroom, or both.
    Serena loves the
law so much she carries that "lawyer-talk" out of the courtroom and
often works it into