Fifty Shades of Thrifty (a Parody) Read Online Free Page A

was sitting next to me. "That one
left a mark."
    Harry glanced at
me with his best attempt at a apologetic look. "No offense, Cupcake."
    "None
taken," I said, lying through my slightly quivering lips.
    And for the first
time in my eight years in the business, I almost showed emotion.
    Almost.
    But I felt it.
     
    CHAPTER TWO
    Most
interventions are surprises, hitting the target when he or she least expects
it. In most cases, the focus is on someone with a drug or alcohol problem.
Friends get together and confront the person, hopefully forcing that person to
take action and deal with the problem.
    So I was
surprised when I walked into Ariel's impeccably decorated apartment on Saturday
afternoon and found her and my two other closest friends sitting in a circle
next to a whiteboard on an easel. It kinda stuck out amidst all the antique
furniture.
    "Let me
guess," I said. "This is either an Amway meeting or you haven't
noticed this whiteboard clashes with your decor."
    "Wing Girl,
we need to talk," said Ariel, who then patted the empty space on the dark
brown leather couch next to her.
    "What the
hell is going on?" I asked.
    "It's an
intuhvention," said Roxanne Falcone, the short but buxom raven-haired
sister from Brooklyn I never had.
    "I don't
have a drinking problem," I said.
    "No, you have
a man problem," said Serena Dash,
the tall, doe-eyed brunette lawyer who despite average looks manages to spend
her nights looking at more ceilings than Michelangelo.
    My jaw hung open.
"So, what are you guys gonna do, list my bad qualities on the board?"
    "No,
sweetie," said Ariel. "We're taking you to charm school."
    My face
tightened. "Charm school? Are you implying I am without charm?"
    All three looked
away from me, at each other, then down at the hardwood floor.
    And then I heard
Harry's voice in my head. Absolutely no social skills.
    "I've had
boyfriends in the past," I said, in what I knew was a lame attempt at
defending said charm.
    Roxanne rolled
her eyes. "Again with the college professuh."
    "He was
nice," I said.
    "He was an
illegal alien who wanted to marry you for a green card," said Ariel.
"And don't even bring up that fling with the student in that career day
class you taught who just wanted a job at your station."
    I felt my lip
quivering a bit. Serena noticed, got up, put her arms around me and gave me a
strong hug. My eyes narrowed as I bit my lower lip, trying to keep my emotions
in check.
    Serena pulled
back and looked at me. "Let it out, Wing Girl. For once, just let it
out."
    "The Brass
Cupcake doesn't cry," I said, standing up straight, arms folded.
"There's no crying in news."
    "Great, now
she's channeling Tom Hanks," said Roxanne.
    "You're not
an investigative reporter when you're with us," said Ariel. "You're
our dear friend who we know has a huge heart. The problem is, no man can see
it. It's locked away in some journalism vault by this Brass Cupcake alter ego
who thinks that if she lets it out her career will dive headfirst into the
shitter."
    "Let it
out," said Roxanne.
    "There's
nothing to let out!"
    "We want you
to be happy," said Ariel.
    "I am happy," I said. "My career—"
    "With your life ! Ariel got up and tapped me on the
head with one knuckle. "Hello! McFly! There's more to life than
work."
    Serena took me by
one hand and led me to the couch. "Honey, if you keep going the way you're
going you'll end up like one of those crazy cat ladies."
    I sat down on the
soft leather and let out an audible exhale. I knew they were right. I repelled
men. And I did like cats an awful lot. "Fine," I said. "So
what's the deal with this charm school?"
    "First,"
said Ariel, as she moved to the white board and grabbed a magic marker,
"we're going to start with what you're looking for in a man."
    "Pffft. I'll
settle for breathing at this point," I said.
    "Be
serious," said Serena.
    "Give us the
qualities you're looking for," said Ariel.
    ***
     
    Ten minutes later
we all looked at the very long list compiled on the board.