Fifty Shades of Shade - "The Fifty Shades of Grey Parady" Read Online Free Page A

“How’s it coming along?”
                  “What?”
                  “The article.”
                  “Oh, well, I’m not writing it. Melissa—Miss McCallahan, she’s writing it. She’s happy with it but she wishes she had some photos.”
                  “What kind of photos does she want?”
                  “I don’t know,” I shrug. “The kind of photos that are, um, graphed?”
                  “I’ll be around tomorrow.”
                  “A photo shoot, you mean? Melissa will be thrilled.”
                  He hands me a card. It’s made of glass and steel. “Call my cell. It’s on the back.”
                  “ Chastity !” I hear from the other end of the aisle. It’s Doug, Mr. Ricklin’s youngest brother. Home from DeVry. I didn’t realize. He walks over and gives me a big hug. Shade looks on, watching us like a hawk watching an eagle watching us.
                  “Doug, I’m with a customer. You should meet him. Sebastian Shade.”
                  Doug raises his eyebrows. “Not the Sebastian Shade, of Shade Enterprises?”
                  Shade nods the coolest little nod ever. Doug is practically in awe.
                  “Is there anything I can help you with?” he asks Shade.
                  “No, thank you. Chastity ’s been very attentive.” I don’t get him. His words don’t sound like words when he speaks. They sound like letters put in small groupings, formed to express his thoughts.
                  “Cool…nice to meet you.” Doug turns away. “Catch you on the flipside, Chastity .”
                  “Bye, Doug. Is there anything else I can get you, Mr. Shade?”
                  “Just these.” He put the everyday items that could easily be used as torture devices down on the counter.
                  “Great. That’ll be forty dollars, please.”
                  I look up at Shade. I shouldn’t have. He’s staring at me intensely, mouthing the words, “I’m looking at you.”
                  “Would you like a bag?”
                  “Please, Chastity .” His tongue molests my name in a way that wouldn’t be frowned upon. “You’ll call me if you want to do the photo shoot?”
                  “I’ll photo shoot you if I want to call. Got it,” I respond nervously.
                  Before he leaves, he turns to me and says, “ Chastity , I’m glad Miss McCallahan couldn’t do the interview.”
                  He smiles, then leaves. I’m standing there watching the door he just exited out of. I don’t know for how long I was staring blankly, but apparently a huge line formed at the register and people started cursing at me.
                  “What are you staring at? I want to buy this already!”
                  “Okay—I like I him,” I say to the angry customer.
                  “What?”
                  “Oh, sorry, my subconscious was supposed to say that.”
                  Okay—I like him.
     

CHAPTER  THREE
     
                  The Wealthman Hotel is in the heart of downtown Portland. Its brown edifice is like a shaven-down, upright turd towering into the sky. It was c ompleted just in time for the syphilis outbreak of the 1930’s. Ramiro, Chad (new character alert!) and I are travelling in my Beetle. Melissa took her Mercedes, since we all can’t fit in my car and also because I’m going to eventually need an excuse to be left behind here later on, plot-wise. 
                  Chad is Ramiro’s lighting guy and fluffer. Wait, is that what they’re called?
                  Anyway, Melissa managed to secure the use of a luxury hotel room at