Fancy Dancer Read Online Free

To Jake’s eye, it was the tidiest grave site in the whole cemetery. He marveled at how each blade of grass seemed to be the exact same length. Mika was a perfectionist. The stone was simple black marble, and he’d had the stonecutter carve an angel in the middle of it. The lettering was simple: his mother’s name, the date of her birth, and the date of her death; and underneath, the inscription, MOTHER OF JACOB. He wondered, and not for the first time, if there had ever been any gossip or feedback when the name St. Cloud had been omitted. If there had been, no one told him, and he didn’t really care one way or the other.
    Jake sat down cross-legged and stared at the graceful angel, her wings spread protectively over a babe in a cradle. In his mind, he was the babe in the cradle. Tears burned his eyes. He made no move to wipe them away. They splattered down on the roses like the first morning dew.
    He talked then of everything and nothing as he tried to play catch-up. It wasn’t that he hadn’t been there in the last eighteen years—he’d been many times, but all he’d done during those visits was leave some flowers and say a prayer that his mother’s soul was resting in peace. This time, though, he owed her an accounting—an accounting he was not proud of. He didn’t try to shield himself or make excuses. He owned up to everything.
    “I feel like a real shit, Mom. I didn’t keep one promise I made to you. Well, maybe one—I finished college, then took it on the lam. I think I went around the world at least three times. I was searching... for what I have no clue. The truth is, I was running away as hard and as fast as I could. It was so hard after you . . . after you were gone. I had a hell of a blowup with him. I said hateful, unforgivable things to the man who is my father. I told him he was a sperm donor. I really pissed him off, Mom, when I told him there had been a time when I had wanted to be like him. God, was that funny. You know what, Mom? He called me an ungrateful little bastard. He said I was a wuss, a mama’s boy. I took it, Mom. I didn’t argue or fight back. That day. But on another day, when they read your will before I left for college, we had it out, right there in the lawyers’ offices. I reamed him a new one. I’m not being disrespectful here, Mom; I’m just trying to be as honest as I can because I’m here to ask your forgiveness. I know that a mother’s love is unconditional, but I have to ask, just the same, because I can’t forgive myself. Maybe I never will be able to grant that to myself. I told him I knew all about his women and how he was with one of them when you were dying. He didn’t deny it.
    “I tried, Mom, to find the woman named Sophia. I hired a dozen different detective agencies, and they all came up dry. I barged into his office one day and asked him point-blank who Sophia was. I saw, for just a nanosecond, a spark in his eye that confirmed there was someone named Sophia, but he called me delusional. I asked him how many illegitimate children he had. He called security and had my ass booted out of the office.
    “Today is my birthday. I wish you were here to bake me a cake and help me blow out the candles. Thirty-five candles is a lot to blow out by oneself. I’d give my right arm if you could somehow magically appear to wish me a happy birthday! I’m turning over a new leaf and turning my life around, Mom. I mean it this time. I meant it the last time, too, but somehow I lost my way. I am so sorry, Mom. Estes and Elroy asked me if I was done lollygagging, and I said yes. I mean it, Mom. I’m going to do it all now, everything I didn’t do the first time around. I just want to tell you how sorry I am that I let you down. It won’t happen again. I need you to believe that. It would help if you’d find a way to give me a sign that you believe me and forgive me.”
    Jake sat for a long time, sweat dripping from his forehead and mingling with his tears. He was