Eat, Drink and Be Wary Read Online Free Page A

said. As long as I was going to be inconvenienced, I may as well do someone else a favor.
     
     
After that, the inn began to fill up rapidly Unfortunately, my mood did not improve. I have an aversion to snobs, present company excluded, and can smell them a mile away. Especially when they are wearing expensive French perfume.
     
     
"Ms. Kimberly McManus Holt," the woman said. "Boston, Massachusetts."
     
     
"Magdalena Yoder, Hernia, Pennsylvania. How may I help you?"
     
     
"I'm afraid you don't understand," she said, peering up at me along a perfectly sculpted nose. "I am the Kimberly McManus Holt."
     
     
"I am the Magdalena Yoder," I said, peering down the length of my considerable proboscis. Actually there are five Magdalena Yoders, that I know of, in Bedford County, but I am perhaps the most notorious.
     
     
Ms. Holt clucked in annoyance. "I'm the star of Cooking with Kimberly."
     
     
She dropped the familiar admission slip on the counter, as if it were something disgusting. "I've been invited to participate in the East Coast Delicacies cooking contest.
     
     
I gave her the quick once-over. If that woman was a serious cook, then I was Leona Helmsley's twin sister. Ms. Holt looked to be in her late thirties, a very put-together woman in a pearl gray suit, matching shoes, purse, gloves, and a faux fur coat. She even wore a coordinated hat, although it was one shade darker. The hat, incidentally, matched her eye color exactly. Not one auburn hair appeared to out of place, and the handful of freckles on her pale face were sprinkled artfully across the perfect little nose. It was a toss-up as to which could make me gag faster, a four-inch stack of tongue depressors or Ms. Holt.
     
     
"Welcome to the PennDutch Inn," I said. "Magdalena Yoder, proprietress, at your service." Forced cheer is a skill that can be learned, and I was an "A" student.
     
     
"So, this is the place," she said, wrinkling the perfect nose, which in turn made the reckless dance.
     
     
"and isn't it charming, dear?"
     
     
"You do have me down for a nonsmoking room, don't you?"
     
     
"That's the only kind I have." From time to time, Susannah risks my ire and lights up, but few guests have had the nerve. I handed her a key. "Room number three, top of the stairs on the left."
     
     
"I can't be fooled, you know." Fat chance. With all that perfume she was wearing, I could have kept a pair of breeding skunks in the room and her nose would have been none the wiser.
     
     
She glanced around. "Well, I guess I'll go on up and check it out. As soon as the bellhop returns, I have a million things that need bringing in."
     
     
I scooted playfully around the counter. "At your service, madame."
     
     
"I beg your pardon?"
     
     
"That's me, the bellhop. I get to wear many hats."
     
     
"Oh, really?"
     
     
"Of course none of them are as nice as your hat. That's the most realistic fur I've ever seen."
     
     
"The hat is genuine fox," she said crisply.
     
     
"So the coat must be five of six foxes then. Maybe even a whole den."
     
     
Ms. Holt was not amused.
     
     
The gentleman from South Carolina was more my style. His smile preceded him into the lobby, and his clothes were off the rack. Wal-Mart, possibly, or maybe even JC Penney.
     
     
"Welcome to the PennDutch Inn," I said warmly. "My name is Magdalena Yoder, and I'm the proprietress."
     
     
He extended a large black hand. "Pleased to meet you, ma'am. My name is Arthur Strump. But you can call me Art." He had a heavy southern accent, which I found rather pleasing, although it made his name sound like "ought." I took him to be in his late twenties.
     
     
"Are you here for the cooking contest, Mr. Strump?"
     
     
"Yes, ma'am." He reached into the pocket of his plaid flannel shirt, and finding it empty, patted it a few times. When nothing magically appeared, he turned, and that's when I first saw the little girl.
     
     
"You told me to stick it in my purse," she said, and handed