Drop of the Dice Read Online Free

eh?’
    I admitted it. One could admit to peccadilloes with Harriet because one could be sure she would have committed them in the same position… perhaps more daring ones. Although she was old and must be respected for that, she was different from my family. When I was with her I felt that I was with someone who was as young as I was in spirit but with a vast experience of life which could be useful to me.
    ‘Yes,’ she said, ‘it’s better for you to know the whole truth. I reckon your dear grandmother would never whisper a word of it. I know my Priscilla—and Damaris, dear good girl, would do as her mother told her. Even your great-grandmother would never tell you, I’m sure. Dear me! It is left to poor old Harriet.’
    Then she told me that my mother had fallen in with some Jacobites at an inn, the leader of whom had been Lord Hessenfield. They fell in love and I was the result. But they were not married. There had not been time and Hessenfield had to make a speedy escape to France. I was born and Benjie had said he would be my father, so my mother was married to him. But later on Hessenfield came for my mother and me and took us to France, so poor Benjie, who had thought of himself as my father, was left lonely.
    ‘You must be particularly kind to Benjie,’ said Harriet.
    ‘I will,’ I assured her.
    ‘Poor Benjie. He must marry again and forget your mother. But she was so beautiful, Clarissa.’
    ‘I know.’
    ‘Of course you know. But she brought little happiness to herself or to others.’
    ‘She did to Hessenfield.’
    ‘Ah… two of a kind. Your parents, dear Clarissa, were unusual people. They were rare people. How fortunate you are to have had such parents. I wonder if you will grow up like them. If you do, you will have to take care. You must curb your recklessness. You must think before you act. I always did, and look what it has brought me. This lovely house, a good man, the dearest son in the world. What a lovely way to spend one’s old age! But I wasn’t born to it, Clarissa. I worked for it… I worked every inch of the way. It’s the best in the end. Dearest child, you have every chance of a good life. You have lost your parents but you have a family to love you. And now you know the truth about yourself you must be happy. I was. Be bold but not reckless. Take adventure when it comes but be sure that you never act rashly. I know. I have lived a long time and proved how to be happy. That’s the best thing in the world, Clarissa. Happiness.’
    I used to sit with her and listen to her talking, which was fascinating. She told me a great deal about the past and her stage life and how she had first met my Great-Grandmother Arabella in the days just before the Restoration of Charles the Second. She could talk so vividly, acting as she went along, and she told me more about my family during that brief visit than I had ever heard before.
    She was right. It was good for me to know. I think in a way it was a beginning of the slackening of my need for security. When I heard what had happened to members of my family—there was nothing much Harriet could tell me of my father—that craving for security began to leave me.
    I was already feeling out for independence. But, of course, I was only eight years old at this time.
    One day Harriet called to me. There was a letter in her hand.
    ‘A message from your grandmother,’ she said. ‘She wants you back at Enderby. Damaris is recovering and missing you.’ Your little visit is at an end. We cannot ignore this—much as we should like to. It has made me very happy to have you here, my dear, and Benjie has been delighted. He will be sad when you go, but as your grandmother—and also your great-grandmother—has reminded me on several occasions, it was Damaris who brought you from France and Damaris who has first claim. How does it feel, Clarissa, to be in such demand? Never mind. Don’t tell me. I know. And you hate to leave us, but you want to see