Don't Wear Polka-Dot Underwear with White Pants: (And Other Lessons I've Learned) Read Online Free Page A

long time, and then suddenly, my hand hits something furry.
    When I feel it, I scream a little bit.
    I step closer to look, and I see a hairy, crawly caterpillar making its way along the house. A real-life caterpillar! Mrs. Spangle just taught us about caterpillars last month, about how they turn into butterflies and all that fantastic magic business. But she would not let us touch the ones that she kept in our classroom terrarium. This is my big chance.
    Carefully, I place my right hand in front of the caterpillar’s head so he can crawl onto it. He does! I pull my hand away from the wall, and his teensy hairs tickle the top of my hand like a feather. I feel his top with my other hand, and he is squishy, almost like a gummy bear.
    And I kind of want to squeeze him, just to see what will happen. Not real hard or anything—just a little bit. Like a gummy bear before you bite the head off.
    I put my thumb and index finger around the middle of the caterpillar and bring them together slowly.
    â€œAmanda!”
    I am so startled that I twitch my hands fast and the caterpillar falls off. Which is just terrible, because now I have to go digging through dead leaves if I ever want to find him again.
    â€œYou made me drop my caterpillar!” I yell at Mom.
    â€œWhy did Timmy come inside crying?”
    â€œYou made me drop my caterpillar!” I yell again, just in case she did not hear what a great tragedy this is. She is a bad listener, after all. “I was just about to squeeze him.”



“Squeeze him? Amanda, you cannot squeeze caterpillars. You will kill them. Is that what you want?”
    I think about this for one second only. “Is that the truth?”
    â€œYes, Amanda,” Mom says.
    â€œMandy,” I correct her, because she never, ever remembers.
    â€œFine, now get inside, please, Mandy , and apologize to Timmy.” And I do not like how she says the Y version my name at all because it is in her mean “Go to your room, Amanda” voice. So maybe I should let Mom call me “Amanda,” but only when I am in trouble so that “Mandy” is not ruined.
    â€œHow do you know it’s me who made him cry?”
    Mom gives me her “I know everything you do” look and stares at me down the point of her nose.
    â€œOkay, fine,” I say. “Will squeezing caterpillars really kill them?”
    â€œYes,” Mom answers. “Plus, you could get a disease.”
    â€œI won’t squeeze them again,” I promise. But only because I don’t want them to die, not because of the disease part.
    â€œSorry, Timmy,” I call as I run through the back door. I trot up the stairs to my bedroom, open the pillow-gate to my Magic Mountain Wonderland, and place my bag of gummy bears on my lap. I take out a red one and pinch it between my thumb and finger, then I stick it in my mouth.
    And don’t tell Mom, but I do not even wash my hands first.

CHAPTER 4
George and Me

    THE NEXT DAY MRS. SPANGLE makes Natalie and me be reading partners, which is almost as horrible as being reading partners with Dennis. Natalie is very serious, and I am very not serious. She never calls out or has her initials on the board or gets a warning from Mrs. Spangle.
    Plus, Natalie thinks that she is a better reader than me, and that is just a lie.
    I slump down in the Reading Corner next to Natalie. “I’ll read first,” I say.
    â€œNo, you went first last time,” Natalie says. “It’s my turn.” Natalie is very into turns, and I am very into going first. She opens the book to the place where we had left off. It is a story about President Lincoln, but I learned everything there is to know about Abraham Lincoln way back in kindergarten, so this story is not interesting to me.
    â€œâ€Šâ€™President Lincoln delivered the famous Gettysburg—’ ”
    â€œHow about if we read something different?” I interrupt Natalie’s