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abruptly that a single strand of her hair dislodged itself with a crack and fell over her forehead. “Did you say ‘close to’? Have you been cheating on me, Newt?”
    “I am leaving you, Callista,” Newt said. “I have found another. I am converting to her religion—Swedenborgianism.”
    “You’re leaving me for a Swedenborgian because you think I may have dengue fever? You’re leaving a sick wife for the third time? You’re converting for the third time? Won’t those evangelical wackos you’re trying to appeal to think that—”
    “No, they won’t,” Newt said, cutting her off. “It turns out that they don’t care at all.” As he strode from the room, he heard the sound of loud coughing.

10.
  
Carpet Bombing
    In Iowa, the caucuses unfold
    In weather that’s invariably cold.
    To listen to long speeches is your duty.
    And getting there could freeze off your patootie.
    The voters who are willing to go through
    This process tend to be those Christians who
    Are quite convinced that Jesus wants them to;
    To them the caucus seat’s another pew.
    On social issues these folks are the crew
    To whose views candidates must tightly hew.
    Those views are views that candidates rehearse
    So they don’t stray from chapter or from verse.
    Though Hawkeye demographics weren’t Mitt’s best,
    The caucuses were deemed a worthwhile test.
    But with that test not many weeks away,
    The un-Mitt Newton Gingrich still held sway.
    Debates, though, were where Gingrich had excelled;
    As caucus time approached, debates weren’t held,
    So Newt no longer was the grand enchanter,
    With show-off smart remarks and flashy banter.
    Then Romney’s PACs put into gear their plan,
    And carpet-bombing ads on Newt began.
    They searched out every way that Newt was sleazy.
    With Newt, of course, that sort of search was easy.
    His influence, ads said, had been for sale;
    He’d cashed in on a monumental scale.
    One focus of the ads’ sustained attack
    Was money he’d received from Freddie Mac.
    ----
         Newt Gingrich as Freddie Mac’s $25,000-a-Month Historian
        Lambasting pols who got too close to Freddie,
        Newt failed to say that he himself already
        Got Freddie payments that were large and steady.
        But Newt said that he’d never ever lobby.
        Could that mean when he seemed to do a job, he
        Was doing it as more or less a hobby?
        The heated jabs began to turn Newt blistery.
        He said Mac’s payments were for doing history.
        Why Freddie needed history’s a mystery.
    ----
    With millions spent on TV ads by PACs,
    Mitt stood apart from negative attacks—
    Though once, while momentarily speaking plain, he
    Referred to his opponent, Newt, as “zany.”
    (Rick Perry’s crowd outspent Mitt in the state,
    Not realizing it was just too late.)
    The ads kept on, no matter what the cost
    And soon the Gingrich polling lead was lost.
    In Iowa, in fact, poor Newt was trounced.
    A squeaker win for Romney was announced
    As votes were tallied from this quirky forum.
    And second place? Not Newt, but Rick Santorum.
    (He’d won, some pundits thought, a special bounty
    For taking his campaign to every county.)
    And Newt, in a humiliating fall,
    Had finished fourth, quite far beyond Ron Paul.
    Conceding, Newt was somewhat less than gracious.
    In fact, he sounded more and more pugnacious.
    Congratulating all except for Mitt,
    Whom he called moderate, well knowing it
    To be an insult worse than any other—
    Equivalent to slurring someone’s mother.
    For change, he said, just he could show the way,
    And Mitt could only “manage the decay.”
    Some thought that Newt, now short of staff and dough,
    Would have to face the facts and finally go.
    Would Thatcher quit? Would Hannibal take flight?
    The Newtster said that he would stay and fight.
    ----
         Newt Lays Into Mitt
        It’s “pious baloney.” Yes, pious baloney.
        What Mitt speaks, Newt says, is remarkably