Dogfight Read Online Free Page A

Mitt.
    ----
         Newt’s Surge
        The people who want anyone but Mitt
        Now say, in desperation, Newt is it.
        Yes, Newt’s astute—a crafty wheeler-dealer.
        His baggage, though, would fill an eighteen-wheeler.
    ----
    Republicans who knew Newt from the House
    Might call reporters whom they knew and grouse
    About how lame as Speaker Gingrich was,
    But, still, the grassroots voters were abuzz
    With sharp debating points that he would score
    And how he won the House in ’94.
    They loved it when he dissed the mainstream media
    While spewing facts—a live encyclopedia.
    They loved it when quite eloquent he’d wax
    Or wound poor Mitt with shrewd, sarcastic cracks.
    They brushed off all the right-wing commentariat,
    Which treated Newt like Judas—yes, Iscariot!
    (“Vainglorious,” said Will. To be concise,
    The Joe of
Morning Joe
said, Newt’s not nice.)
    “A brawler’s what we want,” the folks would cheer.
    “A guy who’ll gouge and maybe bite an ear.
    The hatred of Obama that we’ve felt
    Needs someone who will hit below the belt.
    Our animus requires someone bad—
    No matter if he’s sleazy or a cad.”
    New Hampshire’s largest paper had provided
    A lift for Newt, with whose campaign it sided.
    So now the polls produced another stunner,
    With Newt, the fourth un-Mitt to be front-runner.
    As he passed Mitt in polls, Newt said that he
    Was confident he’d be the nominee.
    Like Churchill or De Gaulle, he had been called.
    The men who run the party were appalled.
    ----
         The Perils of the Front-runner in a Horse Race
        Though Romney was leading right out of the gate,
        He’s also a guy some conservatives hate.
        But all other entries they managed to find
        Were scratched from the start or have fallen behind.
        So now they’ve decided that Newt is a whiz—
        The horse that they’re backing, corrupt as he is.
        Thus Gingrich, now galloping (though he’s quite husky),
        May make Romney look like the late Edmund Muskie.
    ----
A Pause for Prose
Callista Gingrich, Aware That Her Husband Has Cheated On and Then Left Two Wives Who Had Serious Illnesses, Tries Desperately to Make Light of a Bad Cough
    Newt looked into the room where Callista had been trying to nap. “I don’t like the sound of that cough,” he said.
    “What cough is that?” Callista replied. At that moment, she felt a cough coming on, but she managed to suppress it, emitting instead an extended beeping sound.
    “The cough that’s kept you in bed for the past three days,” Newt said.
    “It’s just a little cold, Newt,” Callista said. “I feel fine. Look at my hair; it’s still perfectly in place. This couldn’t be anything serious.”
    “I don’t know about that,” Newt said. “I hear there’s a lot of dengue fever going around.” He walked to the nightstand to get the thermometer.
    “I’m sure that I don’t have dengue fever, Newt,” Callista said. “A cough is not associated with dengue fever. I haven’t had the high fever. I haven’t had the characteristic rash.”
    Newt paused as Callista, trying desperately not to cough, made a sound that suggested a motorbike that won’t start. “Why is it that you know so much about dengue fever?” heasked. “Do you have reason to believe that you have dengue fever?”
    “Newt,” Callista said. There was a seriousness in her tone that made him stop short.
    “Newt,” she repeated. “You wouldn’t leave me if I had dengue fever, would you? It’s not a life-threatening illness.”
    “Well, in certain cases, complications can lead to … ” Newt let the sentence hang.
    “Newt,” Callista said, in that same serious tone. “Have you found another?”
    Newt looked offended. “I am appalled that you would have the nerve to ask me that question. Asking that question is as close to despicable as anything I can imagine.”
    “‘Close to!’” Callista said, sitting up in bed so