Diary of a Grumpy Old Git Read Online Free

I can’t really complain. I’ve managed to
ride it out for over a decade, which is pretty good going. But it’s a little unfortunate for Cathy or Imran, because they both seem to work pretty hard. Unless they’re just as lazy as
me and really good at hiding it.

W EDNESDAY 23 RD J ANUARY
    I feel like I’m crossing a line with these use-by dates now. I’ve just eaten a ready-meal lasagne that was a whole week out of date. Rebelling against the tyrannies
of your ex-partner is one thing, but this is just reckless.
    I have no idea what will happen now. Maybe I’ll wake up on a cloud next to Jim Morrison, John Lennon and Kurt Cobain. I’ll tell them about the lasagne, and they’ll greet me as
one of their own – a victim of rock and roll excess who burnt out instead of fading away.

T HURSDAY 24 TH J ANUARY
    Jen asked me for the SOP on one of our accounts today. For a moment I thought I was supposed to have done some work and I’d have to dip into my bank of excuses. But then I
realized she was just asking me about the state of play. So she’d managed to invent an acronym that caused unnecessary confusion, and for what? To make herself sound so busy she hasn’t
got time to say entire words. And how many syllables did she save exactly? None at all.
    I was trying to explain this to her when her phone went off. Her ringtone is ‘Mamma Mia’. Apparently, this is her favourite film of all time, and she especially likes the part where
Pierce Brosnan sings.

F RIDAY 25 TH J ANUARY
    I had a day off today. We had to use up all our holiday allowance by the end of January, so I thought I might as well book it. Given how much I hate work, you’d think
I’d welcome days off, but I actually find them rather stressful.
    I feel like I have to do something worthy of a day off, or I’ll have wasted it. I couldn’t work out if I wanted to make a start on
The Sopranos
, and while I was trying to
decide I found myself watching an entire programme about car boot sales.
    I tried getting round to ordering some decking for the garden, but it felt too much like work, which is definitely not right for a day off.
    I then thought I should go to a museum of some sort, but this still hadn’t happened by 3 p.m., so I turned on my laptop and played Scrabble. In other words, my day off was exactly the same
as a day at work would have been except I had to pay for my own heat and electricity.
    I really hope Josh doesn’t get rid of me. I couldn’t handle this much choice every day.

S ATURDAY 26 TH J ANUARY
    This morning I got sent a brochure from Saga, a company that specializes in holidays for the elderly. At first I assumed I’d been sent it by mistake, but then I worried
that I might actually be old enough to be in their target market now.
    I threw it in the bin and turned on MTV Base to prove that I wasn’t really old. But all the jiggling arses gave me a migraine so I turned over to a Led Zeppelin special on VH1.
    All day the brochure preyed on my mind. What if they were right? What if that really is my sort of thing now?
    Eventually, I dragged it out of the bin and sighed with relief as I saw it all still looked utterly horrendous. I don’t want a relaxing, all-inclusive cruise with 24-hour room service and
on-board entertainment. I don’t want to experience distinctive cultures, traditional customs and breathtaking vistas. I don’t want to be herded around tourist traps with sunburnt
geriatrics spending wads of cash on tat for grandchildren who’d rather just have the money.
    In other words, there’s hope for me yet.

S UNDAY 27 TH J ANUARY
    It doesn’t take much to set off my grumpiness these days. This morning I felt like I was going to sneeze, but then the feeling went away again. I spent the rest of the
morning brooding about the sneeze that got away. I don’t know why, I just had a feeling it was going to be a good one. Eventually, I convinced myself that other sneezes would come along and I
should put it