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bonuses. “We saved some money by laying off nonessential personnel such as the whaddycallem, copilots. And of course we no longer feed the passengers, who now, on our longer routes, get so hungry that they eat the in-flight magazines. But we need to look in other areas, such as those big loud things on the wing, the whaddycallits, engines. My people tell me those things use a LOT of costly fuel. I’m thinking maybe they don’t all have to be turned on all the time.”
    Swackette said the troubled airline would also be looking for new sources of revenue. “For example,” he said, “after takeoff, we could make an announcement like, ‘Once we reach a comfortable cruising altitude of 35,000 feet, you will be free to move about the cabin, although this may be difficult for our non-Sherpa passengers, because Unideltican Airways no longer offers cabin pressurization in coach. So those of you who plan to breathe during the flight might want to rent an oxygen canister for $138.75 from one of the flight attendants now passing down the aisle. As always, exact change is greatly appreciated! We’re also selling a selection of condiments to put on your magazine.’ ”
    Swackette added that if the troubled airline’s losses continue, he would have “no choice but to seriously consider jacking up executive bonuses.”

    These stories aren’t always about the airline industry. Every day there’s news about large companies in other industries that, to judge from their losses, are setting fire to bales of cash in the parking lot. These stories teach us three important facts:

    Fact 1: Large corporations are
really
rich, so rich that they can piss away ridiculous amounts of money and still remain large.
    Fact 2: These companies pay excellent salaries to top executives, who, to judge from Fact 1 . . .
    Fact 3: . . . do not necessarily know any more about how to run a business than you, or, for that matter, a reasonably bright Labrador retriever.

    Ask virtually any employee of virtually any large corporation about the competence of the people in charge, and you will be assured that they are complete morons whose apparent goal is to destroy the company. High-level-executive moronity is a universally observed phenomenon, although nobody really knows what causes it. The most plausible theory is executive office furniture. This theory holds that, in small quantities, there is nothing harmful about your quality hardwoods such as walnut, oak, mahogany, Formica, etc. But apparently when you have a very large mass of this type of wood—as you would find in the office of your typical high-level corporate executive, who, to indicate his executive stature, has a desk with the same surface area as Vermont—the wood emits some kind of invisible Stupid Rays that penetrate and ravage the brain of any human who remains too long within range, as depicted in the following scientific diagram:

    How Executive Office Furniture Shrinks the Human Brain
    SOURCE: The Mayo Clinic
    Photography Credits

    Furniture Induced Brain Shrinkage (FIBS) is the only possible explanation for certain unbelievably bad decisions made by theoretically intelligent executives in charge of huge corporations with access to vast amounts of data:
    ( T HE SCENE: T HE EXECUTIVE CONFERENCE ROOM OF THE C OCA-COLA C ORP., 1984.T HE CEO RISES TO SPEAK.)
    CEO: Gentlemen, our primary product, Coca-Cola, is the number one soft drink in the world. The question is: What are we, as highly paid executives, going to do about this? Anybody have any suggestions?
    ( T HERE IS A LENGTHY PAUSE, WHILE EVERYBODY THINKS HARD, STARING AT THE TABLE. F INALLY, A HAND GOES UP.)
    CEO: Yes, Bob?
    BOB: I have one.
    CEO (
puzzled
): One what?
    BOB: Suggestion.
    CEO: Oh! Right! What is it?
    BOB (
puzzled
): What is what?
    CEO: What’s your suggestion?
    BOB: Oh! Right! I was thinking maybe we could change it.
    ( D EEP FROWNS OF PUZZLEMENT ALL AROUND THE TABLE.)
    CEO: Change
what,
Bob?
    BOB: Change the