Dave Barry's Money Secrets Read Online Free Page A
Author: Dave Barry
behind you—especially if I am one of them—will silently curse you, because now they all have to wait while the cashier gets authorization from Taiwan or Mars or wherever for your stupid one-dollar purchase.
But also, that purchase is going to be more expensive than you think. By the time you have completely eliminated all traces of it from your credit card statement, that “one-dollar” Diet Coke will have cost you—get ready—$386.52!
Does that seem like an absurdly high number? OK, let’s analyze it. Assume that your credit card company charges you an annual percentage rate of 14.4 percent, and that you pay one half of your balance each month. Now do the math.
Ha ha! I am just kidding, which I will indicate here by inserting the international symbol for lighthearted jesting:
Suze and I are laughing because we know that there is no way in hell that you can do the math. I can’t either! I just made up the $386.52. This, I believe, is also what the credit card companies do. I believe they put random, meaningless numbers on our statements, because they know that we, their clueless, math-impaired customers, will not challenge them. It would not surprise me to learn that the credit card companies have an industry-wide competition to see who can get a consumer to accept the most absurd credit card balance. Each year they announce the winner at a big awards banquet:
MASTER OF CEREMONIES: Our winner this year is Wanda Zuckmiller of Visa, who achieved what many experts in our industry said was impossible: She mailed out the first Visa statement ever with a balance of—and this is a direct quote—“one jillion dollars.” Not only did the credit card holder, a Mrs. Shirley Hemplerigger of Plano, Texas, unquestioningly accept this amount—her exact words were “I have GOT to stop buying collectible wax fruit on eBay”—but Wanda also got Mrs. Hemplerigger to sign a statement agreeing to pay off her balance by sending Visa $50 a month for—and again I am quoting—“87 bazillion months.”
(W ILD APPLAUSE)
Does this mean you should cut up your credit cards and throw them away? No. It just means that you should use them wisely. Suppose, for example, that you see an item in a store that you really need, but you don’t have enough cash on hand to buy it. This is the logical time to use a credit card. Wait until the store closes, then slide the card into the door crack and use it to jimmy open the lock.
Ha ha! Suze and I are just pulling your leg again. It’s against the law to break into stores, and a credit card is the wrong tool for the job.* 5
Our point is that there are many simple and effective techniques that you can use to reduce your unnecessary spending, and just because we haven’t been able to think of any in this chapter, that is no excuse for you not to employ them. Suze and I are sick of your excuses.
4
HOW THE CORPORATE WORLD WORKS
The Critical Role of Office Furniture
T HE BEST WAY TO UNDERSTAND the corporate world is to open up any newspaper to the business section and read a story at random. Chances are it will say something like this:
TROUBLED AIRLINE ANNOUNCES GIGANTIC LOSSES
Troubled Unideltican Airways today announced third-quarter losses amounting to $7.1 billion. This comes on top of second-quarter losses of $6.6 billion and first-quarter losses of $6.8 billion, meaning that so far in this year alone, the troubled airline has lost more money than the gross national product of Central America.
“Sweet Lord Jesus, this is troubling,” commented Unideltican’s chief executive officer, E. Harmon Swackette III. “Every time I come back from a golf tournament, there’s another billion gone! I’ve never seen anything like it, except at the last six companies I was CEO of.
“Clearly we need to find more ways to cut costs,” continued Swackette, a former executive in the troubled Internet-poultry industry who currently makes $17.3 million per year, including performance
But also, that purchase is going to be more expensive than you think. By the time you have completely eliminated all traces of it from your credit card statement, that “one-dollar” Diet Coke will have cost you—get ready—$386.52!
Does that seem like an absurdly high number? OK, let’s analyze it. Assume that your credit card company charges you an annual percentage rate of 14.4 percent, and that you pay one half of your balance each month. Now do the math.
Ha ha! I am just kidding, which I will indicate here by inserting the international symbol for lighthearted jesting:
Suze and I are laughing because we know that there is no way in hell that you can do the math. I can’t either! I just made up the $386.52. This, I believe, is also what the credit card companies do. I believe they put random, meaningless numbers on our statements, because they know that we, their clueless, math-impaired customers, will not challenge them. It would not surprise me to learn that the credit card companies have an industry-wide competition to see who can get a consumer to accept the most absurd credit card balance. Each year they announce the winner at a big awards banquet:
MASTER OF CEREMONIES: Our winner this year is Wanda Zuckmiller of Visa, who achieved what many experts in our industry said was impossible: She mailed out the first Visa statement ever with a balance of—and this is a direct quote—“one jillion dollars.” Not only did the credit card holder, a Mrs. Shirley Hemplerigger of Plano, Texas, unquestioningly accept this amount—her exact words were “I have GOT to stop buying collectible wax fruit on eBay”—but Wanda also got Mrs. Hemplerigger to sign a statement agreeing to pay off her balance by sending Visa $50 a month for—and again I am quoting—“87 bazillion months.”
(W ILD APPLAUSE)
Does this mean you should cut up your credit cards and throw them away? No. It just means that you should use them wisely. Suppose, for example, that you see an item in a store that you really need, but you don’t have enough cash on hand to buy it. This is the logical time to use a credit card. Wait until the store closes, then slide the card into the door crack and use it to jimmy open the lock.
Ha ha! Suze and I are just pulling your leg again. It’s against the law to break into stores, and a credit card is the wrong tool for the job.* 5
Our point is that there are many simple and effective techniques that you can use to reduce your unnecessary spending, and just because we haven’t been able to think of any in this chapter, that is no excuse for you not to employ them. Suze and I are sick of your excuses.
4
HOW THE CORPORATE WORLD WORKS
The Critical Role of Office Furniture
T HE BEST WAY TO UNDERSTAND the corporate world is to open up any newspaper to the business section and read a story at random. Chances are it will say something like this:
TROUBLED AIRLINE ANNOUNCES GIGANTIC LOSSES
Troubled Unideltican Airways today announced third-quarter losses amounting to $7.1 billion. This comes on top of second-quarter losses of $6.6 billion and first-quarter losses of $6.8 billion, meaning that so far in this year alone, the troubled airline has lost more money than the gross national product of Central America.
“Sweet Lord Jesus, this is troubling,” commented Unideltican’s chief executive officer, E. Harmon Swackette III. “Every time I come back from a golf tournament, there’s another billion gone! I’ve never seen anything like it, except at the last six companies I was CEO of.
“Clearly we need to find more ways to cut costs,” continued Swackette, a former executive in the troubled Internet-poultry industry who currently makes $17.3 million per year, including performance
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