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you have in your battalion?
I do not want to hear his sad story. Sign that certificate. He’s
getting married, and that’s an order!”
    “ How about I transfer
Private Krueger to the South Pole?” I suggested.
    “ How about I transfer you
both to the South Pole?” threatened General Daly. “I am not in the
habit of repeating myself to subordinates, but already I find
myself ordering you a third time to sign that marriage certificate.
This could be the public-relations bonanza I’ve been looking for.
In fact, I think it would be a nice touch for you to send a Legion
honor guard to the wedding. Take a lot of pictures. With luck, we
can get some good press out of this fiasco yet. You will handle
that personally.”
    “ Not if Dawn eats Private
Krueger on their honeymoon,” I argued. “What if that
happens?”
    “ Then he will be AWOL and
brought up on charges!” answered General Daly, slamming his hand
down on his desk. “Spiders don’t eat humans. Although, I heard
legionnaires under your command eat spiders. Is that
true?”
    “ Those charges were
dismissed at trial for lack of evidence. I have been ordered to not
discuss the matter for reasons of national security.”
    “ I can see I need to read
your personnel file closer. I’m sure it’s full of all kinds of
interesting facts and tidbits. I am going to keep an eye on
you!”
     
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    Chapter 3
     
    “ The most destructive
influence on Arthropodan culture may not be blue powder,” commented
the spider governor. “I think human pestilence satellite TV does
even more damage.”
    “ We can’t shoot down their
satellites,” cautioned the spider commander of the New Gobi Desert
sector. “That would cause a war.”
    “ Of course not,” agreed the
governor. “But we can ban private ownership of all satellite
dishes.”
    “ That would leave us with
just the Imperial Cable TV Network,” said the spider commander. “Do
you realize how boring that would be? The public would be driven to
drink. I would be, too. Think about the effect mass liver disease
would have on our culture.”
    “ Your argument fails to
impress me,” said the governor. “I signed the new law today.
Commanders will confiscate all satellite dishes and receivers in
their sectors.”
    “ But sir, the World Series
is tied at three games,” complained the spider commander. “We’ll
miss the last game. Do you have any idea how much money has been
bet on the Yankees? I don’t want to miss that game.”
    “ I’ve been so busy, I
forgot all about the World Series,” conceded the governor. “Good
point. Confiscate the satellite dishes next week.”
    “ What about pre-season
football?” asked the spider commander. “Cable doesn’t carry the NFL
either.”
    “ We all have to make
sacrifices,” said the governor. “There is nothing I can do. The
Emperor himself ordered the ban.”
    “ But all cable TV offers is
soccer,” protested the spider commander. “Watching human pestilence
Euro-trash riot at halftime is the only interesting part of the
game.”
    “ Maybe we can get cable TV
to carry local sporting events like high school or college
football,” said the governor. “In the meantime, you have your
orders.”
    “ I suppose I could watch
the golf channel,” said the spider commander, slumping in his
chair.
    “ That’s the spirit,” said
the governor, before hanging up. “I knew I could depend on
you.”
     
    * * * * *
     
    Just before the start of the final game of
the World Series, the spider commander ordered pizza delivered from
Pizza Hut to his office. However, Pizza Hut told him they could no
longer deliver pizza because the Teamsters Union was on strike and
would only make deliveries to the military if there was a national
emergency.
    “ But this is an emergency,”
insisted the spider commander. “The game is about to begin. I don’t
even have hotdogs or buffalo wings.”
    “ Sorry, sir,” said the
Pizza Hut employee. “No