Confession of the Lioness Read Online Free Page A

blood. Before I became an orphan, everything in me was intact: the house, time, the sky where I was told my mother was guarding the stars. All at once, however, I looked at life and got a fright: It was all so boundless and I was so small and so alone. Suddenly I stepped on the earth and recoiled: My feet were so meager. All of a sudden there was nothing but the past: Death was a lake that was darker and more sluggish than the firmament. My mother was on the far shore, writing letters, while my father swam without ever crossing the endless waters.
    *   *   *
    Nothing has changed in the old hospital. It’s Luzilia who comes to meet me in the large waiting room. She’s still beautiful, her look seductive, the same habit of moistening her lips with her tongue. Luzilia is a nurse in that hospital—nothing there is strange to her.
    It’s so long since you were last here …
    I’ve been so busy, one way or another , I lie.
    Your brother and I got married.
    I feign happiness. Luzilia talks and her voice recedes into the distance. She explains that Roland had been discharged the day before the wedding and they’d even tried living in her house. But it didn’t work. Roland didn’t know how to live outside his illness. And he was readmitted to the hospital.
    *   *   *
    I gradually stop listening to my brand-new relative. Perhaps I don’t know how to be the brother-in-law of someone I wanted as a lover. I escape the present, returning to the events of a year before. It was in that same room that I confessed the deep love I felt for Luzilia. It was a long, empty afternoon, the type that spins out like some contagious disease. Without looking at her face, I took a deep breath and declared my love to the startled Luzilia. As she said nothing, I pressed ahead:
    There’s something I should say, Luzilia: Every time I come here to the hospital, it’s you I come to see.
    That’s not true. What about your brother?
    It’s because of you that I come.
    At this point I handed her a letter. Her little fingers remained still as she took her time reading it. Her hand lingered. Then she read in a low voice:
    Ever since I started loving you, the whole world belongs to you. That’s why I’ve never given you anything. I’ve merely returned things to you. I don’t expect recompense. However, this message requests an answer. As tradition dictates: If you love me, if my feelings are reciprocated, fold the corner of this letter and return it to me tomorrow.
    *   *   *
    The next day, Luzilia made no mention of the subject. She didn’t bring the letter with her, and didn’t say a word. She couldn’t have imagined how wounded I was by her indifference. I should have contained myself, but was unable to:
    So there’s no fold in the letter?
    She shook her head. I hid the hurt I felt at being rejected. For we do, indeed, have room enough to bury our little deaths deep within us! We travel down corridors, from one end to the other, in a silence that is as cold as that very asylum. As I left, Luzilia asked me:
    Please don’t stop coming to the hospital. Your brother has no one else.
    You must throw my letter away.
    I’ll do that.
    It was a stupid mistake to confess my feelings. I shouldn’t have done it. So give me back the letter.
    It’s mine. Am I not mistress of everything?
    *   *   *
    One year later, and Luzilia walks in front of me, confirming her status as mistress of my soul, and owner of the world.
    *   *   *
    My brother, Roland, is sitting on the veranda of the infirmary, gazing, as always, at his own listless hands. It’s as if time hasn’t passed: There he is, surrendered, as ever, to his fate.
    Tomorrow, I leave for the bush , I announce.
    Nothing changes in him. He continues to look at his hands as if they were dead.
    It’s going to be my last hunt , I