Complete Works, Volume III Read Online Free

anyone else, they only ask for me. They say I'm the best chauffeur in the firm.
    LENNY. I bet the other drivers tend to get jealous, don't they, Uncle?
    SAM . They do get jealous. They get very jealous.
    MAX . Why?
    Pause.
    SAM . I just told you.
    MAX. No, I just can't get it clear, Sam. Why do the other drivers get jealous?
    SAM . Because (a) I'm the best driver, and because . . . (b) I don't take liberties.
    Pause.
    I don't press myself on people, you see. These big businessmen, men of affairs, they don't want the driver jawing all the time, they like to sit in the back, have a bit of peace and quiet. After all, they're sitting in a Humber Super Snipe, they can afford to relax. At the same time, though, this is what really makes me special . . . I do know how to pass the time of day when required.
    Pause.
    For instance, I told this man today I was in the second world war. Not the first. I told him I was too young for the first. But I told him I fought in the second.
    Pause.
    So did he, it turned out.
    LENNY stands, goes to the mirror and straightens his tie.
    LENNY . He was probably a colonel, or something, in the American Air Force.
    SAM . Yes.
    LENNY . Probably a navigator, or something like that, in a Flying Fortress. Now he's most likely a high executive in a worldwide group of aeronautical engineers.
    SAM . Yes.
    LENNY . Yes, I know the kind of man you're talking about.
    LENNY goes out, turning to his right.
    SAM . After all, I'm experienced. I was driving a dust cart at the age of nineteen. Then I was in long-distance haulage. I had ten years as a taxi-driver and I've had five as a private chauffeur.
    MAX . It's funny you never got married, isn't it? A man with all your gifts.
    Pause.
    Isn't it? A man like you?
    SAM . There's still time.
    MAX . Is there?
    Pause.
    SAM . You'd be surprised.
    MAX . What you been doing, banging away at your lady customers, have you?
    SAM . Not me.
    MAX . In the back of the Snipe? Been having a few crafty reefs in a layby, have you?
    SAM . Not me.
    MAX . On the back seat? What about the armrest, was it up or down?
    SAM . I've never done that kind of thing in my car.
    MAX . Above all that kind of thing, are you, Sam?
    SAM . Too true.
    MAX . Above having a good bang on the back seat, are you?
    SAM. Yes, I leave that to others.
    MAX . You leave it to others? What others? You paralysed prat!
    SAM. I don't mess up my car! Or my . . . my boss's car! Like other people.
    MAX . Other people? What other people?
    Pause.
    What other people?
    Pause.
    SAM. Other people.
    Pause.
    MAX . When you find the right girl, Sam, let your family know, don't forget, we'll give you a number one send-off, I promise you. You can bring her to live here, she can keep us all happy. We'd take it in turns to give her a walk round the park.
    SAM . I wouldn't bring her here.
    MAX . Sam, it's your decision. You're welcome to bring your bride here, to the place where you live, or on the other hand you can take a suite at the Dorchester. It's entirely up to you.
    SAM . I haven't got a bride.
    SAM stands, goes to the sideboard, takes an apple from the bowl, bites into it.
    Getting a bit peckish.
    He looks out of the window.
    Never get a bride like you had, anyway. Nothing like your bride . . . going about these days. Like Jessie.
    Pause.
    After all, I escorted her once or twice, didn't I? Drove her round once or twice in my cab. She was a charming woman.
    Pause.
    All the same, she was your wife. But still . . . they were some of the most delightful evenings I've ever had. Used to just drive her about. It was my pleasure.
    MAX ( softly, closing his eyes ). Christ.
    SAM . I used to pull up at a stall and buy her a cup of coffee. She was a very nice companion to be with.
    Silence.
    JOEY comes in the front door. He walks into the room, takes his jacket off, throws it on a chair and stands.
    Silence.
    JOEY . Feel a bit hungry.
    SAM . Me, too.
    MAX . Who do you think I am, your mother? Eh? Honest. They walk in here every time of the