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Miss Stanhope?’ asked Mara. She was much nicer than the first lady.
    â€˜Well, I’m glad you ask, Mara,’ I said, channelling my mother’s charming I’m-about-to-ask-you-to-do-something-for-me voice. ‘You see, yesterday I was made redundant. I went home, got terribly drunk on some very good Australian wine and appear to have inadvertently booked myself a flight to Melbourne. I need to cancel that flight. Urgently.’
    â€˜Do you have a booking reference number, Miss Stanhope?’
    â€˜It’s GCU9263—GCU probably stands for Giant Cock Up.’
    Mara laughed, which I took as a good sign. ‘I’m going to place you on hold for a minute, Miss Stanhope, while I pull up your booking.’ More Hugh. ‘Miss Stanhope, thank you for holding. Regrettably, as your flight is due to depart in less than twenty-four hours, I am afraid we’re unable to cancel the booking without it incurring a fee. Alternatively, you could postpone your booking, but this would also incur a fee.’
    â€˜Right,’ I said. ‘Did I mention my Frequent Flyer number?’
    â€˜No, Miss Stanhope, would you like me to attach it to the booking?’
    I read her the number.
    â€˜Thank you, Miss Stanhope. Now, what would you like to do?’
    My hope was dwindling. ‘Is there no special…you know…is there anything that can be done given my… er…membership status?’
    â€˜No, Miss Stanhope,’ Mara said politely. ‘You have booked an inflexible ticket. I am happy to offer you a cancellation with a fee or a postponement with a smaller fee.’
    â€˜You see, Mara, I don’t even have a visa for Australia, so it’s simply impossible for me to board the flight.’ I bent down to collect runaway peas. ‘It’s probably better for everyone involved if it’s just cancelled. It was an administrative error anyway.’
    â€˜I’m afraid our system requires customers to confirm that they have a visa before they proceed with the booking,’ she explained. ‘So we are unable to refund customers when they have, as you have, confirmed that they possess a visa for the destination, even if they booked under the influence of alcohol and didn’t intend to.’
    I wasn’t sure I liked Mara after all. ‘I see, but this was my first BUI offence and I really don’t want to go to Australia. It’s not that I don’t want to ever go there,’ I backtracked. ‘I’m sure it’s a lovely place. In fact my aunt lives there and she adores it. It’s just that I don’t want to go there right now because I have no job and I need to find another.’
    Mara was silent.
    â€˜How much is the cancellation fee?’ I asked.
    â€˜It’s £1,340, with a five per cent fee for credit card transactions,’ she said as if she hadn’t just asked me to pay more than twice the value of a Mulberry Bayswater bag. ‘Postponing your booking would cost £894.70, with a five per cent fee for credit card transactions as well as any additional cost for the new ticket, but you would have to make that booking for a flight departing London no later than the third of March.’
    â€˜How much was the total booking?’
    â€˜Actually, you managed to find an excellent deal,’ said Mara. ‘You paid a total of £1,864.45, which is very competitive as a last-minute booking.’
    â€˜So essentially, my choices are: I can go to Australia without a visa tomorrow and be detained for unlawful entry, or I can pay a fraction more than £890 and do the same thing next week, or I can pay slightly more than £1,340 and pretend this never happened.’
    â€˜Yes,’ replied Mara, ‘but if you’re a citizen of the European Union, you can arrange an emergency visa online that can be processed in a matter of hours.’
    I took a moment to reflect. I couldn’t remember any of this so