Burger Wuss Read Online Free Page A

damn ugly. I thought about avoiding her, but I went and took it. My parents were standing by, listening and smiling like: “Ah, young love!”
    I said, “Hi.” Flatly.
    She said, “Hi. Anthony, I feel really bad.” Sheepishly.
    I said, “I feel pretty bad too.” I wanted that to be coldly, but it sounded just like I was sorry for something I’d done. I hadn’t done anything.
    “Anthony, just, we were drinking, and like there was this chemistry. I couldn’t . . .”
    “Chemistry,” I said. “Just this chemistry.”
    “I couldn’t help it.”
    I said, “I was working in the lab, late one night.”
    She said, “Anthony.”
    I said, “When my eyes beheld a fearful sight.”
    “Anthony, please don’t do this. God, I can’t believe you’re doing this.”
    My parents were laughing. They had big grins like: “Our son the riot!”
    My father started singing. “Oh the monster from his slab began to rise, and suddenly, before my eyes . . .”
    “Diana —” I said. I felt sick. I turned away from my parents into the corner of the room. Their shadows were cast across me. They were dancing. They did the monster mash.
    She was saying, “Look, Anthony, it’s better this way. It wasn’t really working out anyway. I mean, I really like you and all, but I think it’s better —”
    My parents sang, “The Monster Mash!” — “It was a graveyard smash!” — “The Monster Mash!” — “It caught on in a flash. . . .”
    She was saying, “Is that your parents singing?”
    “Diana — please, Diana —” I said. I thought of her bellybutton in the sunlight, of her lying with the green sateen jacket around her shoulders, of her lying with Turner on top of her; I was almost crying.
    “I really think it’s better we just be friends.”
    “Vutever happened to my Transylvania tvist?”
    “Why not working out?” I said. “Diana, I really like you.”
    “No, don’t think I didn’t have a good time. Because I had a really good time. All the time.”
    My parents were watching me. They were quieting down. They weren’t dancing anymore. I tried to be cool on the phone. I controlled my voice. I said, “Why don’t we go out for lunch?”
    My father said, “You can take the car. I don’t need it!”
    She said, “I don’t think we should. Can we just put this whole thing behind us? Not hurt anyone’s feelings?”
    I couldn’t answer with my parents watching. They were listening to every word. So instead I said cheerily, “I’ll just drop it off at your work. Is that okay?”
    She said, “What? Anthony, what are you talking about?”
    I said, “No, thanks, I’m done with it. Turned out I didn’t need it. I’ll just drop it off at your work.”
    “What are you —?”
    I laughed what was supposed to be a cheerful laugh, but it was a cackle. “Oh, ho ho ho! In Magic Marker, too? All over the shackles?”
    “Would you be serious? I’m trying to be serious.”
    I chuckled. “In the seventh level of hell, they’re all upside down in dung!”
    “Fine,” she said. “Fine. This is exactly what I’m talking about.” And she slammed down the phone. I waited for a second. There was a dial tone.
    “Good then,” I said. “I’ll drop it by sometime today or maybe tomorrow. Love ya!”
    I grinned a big grin and hung up the phone. My parents were smiling like: “You two — so sweet!”
    I went back upstairs to look at myself in the mirror and figure out what made me so ugly.
    That same afternoon Turner made fun of Diana at work. I don’t know what he said, because I wasn’t there, but he at first just was polite but sort of ignoring her, and then later after she kept on saying, “Are we going to talk? Staff room. Now!” he got mean, and made some comment about them making out and nice extra-value meals, I don’t know exactly because Rick and Jenn weren’t listening carefully (they were cowering and holding hands behind the shake machine until things blew over), but Turner said