Billionaire Secrets of a Wanglorious Bastard Read Online Free Page B

 
    Tani said, “It's a trend. Most firms announce bonuses near the end of the year.”  
    Enos (I can’t call him Hiro when he’s not faking the funk) said, “Along with the number of hard billable hours you need to get a bonus.”
    It was news to me. “Hard billables? Like in difficulty?”
    “Like in whether the partner who gave you an assignment thinks that the hours you worked on are bonus-worthy.”  
    “Like a document review?”
    “Right. But not writing an article.”
    Tani sighed. “Which is what I spend a lot of my time doing.”  
    Enos smacked him with the envelope. “Which is why you don't get a bonus.”
    I snatched the envelope from Enos. “But that's not fair.”
    Tani took it from me. “Tell me about it.”
    “Why don't you refuse?”
    “I don't want to get fired. Plus, I can't decide who I work for.”  
    Enos nabbed the envelope back from Tani. “He's a whore with a cheap john.”
    Tani punched Enos’s shoulder. “Thanks, ‘Enos.’”
    “Fuggetaboutit.”
    All this posturing wasn’t helping. “How many hours were needed to get a bonus?”
    Tani said, “Two thousand.”
    “How many did you work?”
    He said, “Three thousand.”
    Enos giggled.
    Tani clenched his teeth. “I'd rather not have a bonus than do the ‘quality work’ that gets you one.”  
    Enos played the world’s smallest violin. “Here we go again.”
    I scratched my armpit. “What type of work?”
    Tani stared at my crotch then caught himself. He closed his eyes and scratched his head. “Representing Swiss banks that defrauded Holocaust survivors, defending Japanese auto manufacturers who used POWs as slave labor.”
    Enos finger-wagged him. “Don't forget assisting nuclear plants that poisoned the waters on an Arizona reservation.”  
    I nearly choked on my own spit.  
    Enos poured me a cup of tea. “Like I told you before, this ain't a pretty place to be.”  
    Tani said, “The firm increases your billing rate four months before they start paying you the difference.”
    Enos offered me the cup. “Cheap bastards.”
    I took it. “Why not quit?”
    Tani said, “If you quit before you get your bonus check, you forfeit your bonus. And by the time you get your bonus, you've already billed three-quarters of your year.”
    I sipped and said, “And if you leave, you forfeit that.”
    Enos flashed a finger at me. “Exactamundo. Plus, this firm is notorious for under-training.”
    Tani nodded. “I'm a third year who's done nothing but make copies, research, article writing, and putting blue backs on court memos or something.”
    I said, “Or something?”
    Tani nodded. “I just put blue paper on some official, court-looking thingy. If I worked elsewhere, I'd have to take a payout and bust my butt, so why bother?”
    Enos said, “You need to have protection while you're here.”
    I said, “Protection?”
    Enos said, “This firm is like prison. Unless you're affiliated with a group, your ass can be abused by any and everybody.”
    “I don't need protection. I'm guaranteed the job offer.”
    “You have an offer to work here this summer. You don't have a guaranteed job offer to work here after you graduate.”
    I sucked my teeth. “I go to Columbia Law School, Enos.”
    “So?”
    “So? That should be enough for me to get an offer. I mean, they don't want to offend Columbia. Did you know they actually pay Columbia to interview us?”
    “Speak for yourself. I went to Brooklyn Law.”
    I patted him on the back. “The rules are different for you guys. No offence.”
    “You know what?” Enos smacked my arm away. “Fuck you.”
    “Hey, easy, cousin.”
    He sucked his teeth.  
    Tani said, “I went to Harvard, which is higher ranked than Columbia, Rufus.”
    That was the truth. And it hurt.
    “I know it's a hard truth, but Enos wasn't lying. That's how it works around here. I mean, look at me. I'm only here because I'm willing to do paralegal work for my partner who went to a law school that