Big Trouble Read Online Free Page A

working on this story about . . .”
    â€œThe pelican story?” sneered Deeber. Eliot thought Princeton must have a course in sneering, because Deeber was good at it.
    â€œKen,” said Eliot, “it’s an incredible story, and nobody else has it. There’s this guy, this old Cuban guy in Key West, and he trains pelicans to . . .”
    â€œDrop bombs,” sneered Deeber. “It’s the most dumb-ass thing I ever heard.”
    â€œKen,” said Eliot. “This guy is amazing . He actually tried to use a trained pelican to kill Castro . Something went wrong, maybe the bomb malfunctioned, maybe the pelican got confused, but the thing apparently blew up outside a hotel in downtown Havana, sprayed pelican parts all over a bunch of French tourists, and the Cuban government claimed that it was some kind of atmospheric . . .”
    â€œEliot,” said Ken, “I don’t think we’re serving our readers with that kind of story.”
    â€œBut it’s true, ” said Eliot. He wanted to grab Deeber by his neck. “It’s a great story. The guy talked to me, and he . . .”
    â€œEliot,” said Deeber, “Do you realize how important day care is to our readers? Do you realize how many of our readers have children in day care?”
    There was a pause.
    â€œKen,” said Eliot, “do you realize how many of our readers have assholes?”
    Deeber said, “I see no need to . . .”
    â€œAll of them!” shouted Eliot. “They all have assholes!”
    Quite a few people in the newsroom heard that through the glass wall to Deeber’s office. Heads were turning.
    â€œEliot,” said Deeber, “I’m ordering you right now to . . .”
    â€œLet’s do a series on it!” shouted Eliot. “RECTUMS IN CRISIS!” The entire newsroom heard that.
    Deeber, aware that people were watching, put on his sternest expression.
    â€œEliot,” he said. “You work for me. You do what I tell you. I gave you an assignment. If you want to keep working at this newspaper, that assignment will be done, and it will be in here ”—he pointed to his computer—“before you go home tonight.”
    â€œFine!” said Eliot. He stood up and crossed around to Deeber’s side of the desk, which caused Deeber to scoot his chair backward into his credenza, knocking over several journalism contest awards.
    Eliot said: “How about I put it in there RIGHT NOW?” Then he put his left foot through Deeber’s computer screen. His foot got sort of stuck in there, so when he yanked it back out, Deeber’s whole computer crashed to the floor. In the newsroom, there was a brief but hearty outbreak of applause.
    Except for the time a drunk loading-dock employee drove a new $43,000 forklift into Biscayne Bay, nobody had ever been fired from the newspaper faster than Eliot. His coworkers expressed their sympathy and support; in fact, Eliot became a minor cult hero among reporters all over the country. But it was pretty clear he wasn’t going to get another job in journalism, especially not in Miami, where he wanted to stay so he could be near his son, Matt, who lived with Eliot’s ex-wife.
    And so Eliot became Eliot Arnold Advertising and Public Relations, working out of a small office in Coconut Grove. At the beginning, he spent most of his time going around begging people to become his clients. But after a couple of years of hard work, he’d reached the point where he spent most of his time going around begging for his clients to pay the money they owed him. Either that, or he was listening to clients tell him why his work was not acceptable. This is what the Client From Hell was doing.
    The Client From Hell’s latest brainstorm was Hammerhead Beer, which tasted so awful that the first and only time Eliot put some in his mouth, he spat it out on his desk. Eliot thought Hammerhead Beer was an even worse