Attack of the Mutant Underwear Read Online Free Page A

career (not to mention your entire life) in front of a bunch of kindergartners in the Garfield cafeteria. Turns out there’s a reason: there’s nothing easy about it. Especially if your little sister and her friend Jordy are sitting beside each other in the audience.
    Before I could even begin to get started, MC held up a french fry and said, “Hey, Cody, you want to see something?”
    I ignored her, of course. It says right here in my Big Brother Instruction Book: “Ignore little sister whenever possible.” I pulled out the magic hat Emerson had given me.
    â€œSomething really cool?” Now it was Jordy. He grinned as MC carefully laid the french fry on the palm of his right hand. “I’ve been practicing a lot!”
    I ignored Jordy, too. It also says right here in my Big Brother Instruction Book: “Same goes for her friends.” I held up my magic hat for everyone to see, just like Emerson had taught me.
    â€œReady-aim-fire!” MC blurted out. Jordy popped his hand up and catapulted the french fry right into his open mouth.
    The kindergartners broke into applause. MC and Jordy took this as a sign to go for an encore. “Ready-aim-fire!” Right in the mouth again.
    â€œReady-aim-fire!”
    I know this is going to be hard to believe, but I swear that if you saw a slow-motion replay of that third catapulted french fry, you’d see it flip end-over-end as it arched upward and—this is the truly amazing part—go shooting right up Jordy’s left nostril.
    Everything was quiet for a moment as we all gawked in disbelief. Then kids jumped up, yelling, “Wow! Do that again! Do that again!”
    I looked to Emerson for help. This was not going according to plan. “Do something!” I said between clenched teeth.
    Emerson blinked and muttered, “Uh …”
    Clearly, he didn’t have a clue.
    Jordy did, though. He yanked the french fry from his nose and, with great dramatic flair, popped it into his mouth.
    â€œEeeeuw, yuck!” the kindergartners screamed. But it was Emerson who ended up stealing the show back. He went pale, gagged, then threw up. Yep, threw up—as in puked, hurled, blew lunch, spewed, erupted like a volcano—right there in the cafeteria.
    Tuesday, October 3
    Emerson apologized about ten billion times today for getting sick. “I’m sorry, Cody,” he said over and over again. “I’m really really sorry.”
    To make up for it, he bought a bunch of chocolate with his own money and gave it out on the playground, along with “Vote for Cody!!!” buttons. Several kids came up to me afterward and said they would vote for me for sure, so I guess his idea worked.
    Still, I wish he’d give me a little space. Seems like every time I turn around, he’s there, looking like he expects something.
    Thursday, October 5
    Played football today at recess. We lost to Tyler and Zach’s team, but I caught one pass.
    MC has her first loose tooth. She said, “I closed my eyes and wished really hard over and over for it to happen, and it did!”
    I said, “Ha! If wishing was all it took, I’d be a millionaire.”
    MC said, “Hmph! That just shows what you don’t know. It doesn’t work on big stuff, just little stuff!”
    I rolled my eyes, but later I couldn’t help thinking, Why not give it a try? So here goes: I wish I could win the election without giving a speech. I wish I could win the election without giving a speech. I wish I could win the election without giving a speech.
    Friday, October 6
    First the bad news: Ms. B looked at me funny and said, “Yes, of course you still have to give a speech.”
    But there’s some good news, too. During the math quiz, I got so uptight that I pressed too hard and broke my pencil lead.
    You might be thinking: This is good news? Yes! You see, if I hadn’t broken my pencil lead, then I wouldn’t have