Assholes Finish First Read Online Free Page A

you, come back here. Do you know what you just did in that bathroom?”
    Guy “Yeah… I uh… sorry about that, man.”
    Tucker “Come here and smell this.”
    Guy “What?”
    Tucker “DO IT NOW!”
    Thus is the power and authority of the bullhorn: The guy actually walked back to the Porta Potty and took a sniff.
    Guy “Yeah, so?”
    Tucker [
angry astonishment
] “Yeah, so? That smell is not [
air quotes
] ‘just went to the bathroom.’ That is felonious assault on a toilet. You have raped my olfactory senses. Apologize.”
    Guy “What?”
    Tucker “APOLOGIZE RIGHT NOW!”
    Guy “OK, fine… whatever… I’m sorry.”
    Had we not been drinking for 24 hours straight, and had I not conquered an entire city the night before, I don’t think I would have tried this. But the bullhorn had emboldened me:
    Tucker “Now apologize to the toilet.”
    Guy “Dude, what?”
    Tucker “Repeat after me: ‘I am very sorry and greatly embarrassed that my excretory system could produce such a smell. I promise to eat more bran to prevent such things in the future. ’”
    Guy “Are you nuts?”
    Tucker “I SAID DO IT!”
    I was pretty much joking with the guy and fully expected him either to walk off or punch me in the face. There was no legitimate reason to obey me. I was just some drunk idiot yelling at him with a bullhorn… but he gave in and basically said it. After he left, I stood there in mild shock.
    Tucker “Did I really just use the bullhorn to make a dude apologize… to a Porta Potty… for taking a smelly dump?”
    SlingBlade “That thing is too powerful. It’s like the One Ring that rules them all. After Campout, we have to find a volcano and throw it in.”
    Tucker “Let’s make Hate do it. He hates the bullhorn, plus he’s short like a Hobbit.”
    SlingBlade “Credit can go with him. He’s a Jew, like Gollum.”
    We chilled the rest of the afternoon and evening, planning how we would fuck with Tent City again that night. But this time, the nerds had come prepared. They must have had spies watching us, because before we even got to the ridge to start our second assault on Tent City, they were standing there with a Duke cop. Still drunk on alcohol and the testosterone rush of the previous night, I decided to handle this the logical way, as I was Lord Tucker Max, Tent City Conqueror:
    Tucker “What’s the problem, Officer?”
    DukeCop “You need to stop using the bullhorn.”
    Tucker “What? Why?”
    DukeCop “The proper response to a lawful order is not ‘Why?’ ”
    Tucker “But Officer, I don’t think you understand,” [
I hold it in front of his face as if he hadn’t seen it yet
] “I have a bullhorn.”
    You know that look a cop gives you when he’s so confused that he doesn’t even know how to respond? If you don’t know that look, it means you haven’t had enough fun in your life. He gave me that look.
    DukeCop “You have to stop using the bullhorn for the rest of Campout.”
    Tucker “Officer, I can’t stop. I am the ruler of Tent City!”
    It was at this point the cop realized I wasn’t crazy or stupid, just really drunk.
    DukeCop “You’re not in charge, you’re not even on the Graduate Council. I am a law enforcement officer, and I am giving you a lawful command. You can obey it, or I can arrest you and confiscate the bullhorn.”
    I was not prepared for this gambit. I turned to SlingBlade:
    Tucker “What do we do?”
    SlingBlade “Stop using the bullhorn.”
    Tucker “Isn’t there some way around this?”
    SlingBlade “I don’t know. I don’t take Criminal Procedure until next semester. But I don’t think so.”
    Tucker “Does it matter that he’s a campus cop and not a real cop?”
    SlingBlade “We’re on Duke’s campus. He also has a Taser. Taser beats bullhorn.”
    Tucker “Shit.”
    On Day 1, I subjugated all of Tent City. On Day 2, I was defeated by a single rent-a-cop.
    To fuck with me, SlingBlade took the bullhorn from me and addressed Tent