All We Have Lost Read Online Free Page B

in no time.’
    Mum’s dangerous. Tell her you’re about to jump off a cliff and she’ll be right behind you, cheering you on, thinking of all the ways she could possibly help.
    ‘What’s the worst that could happen?’ she asks.
    ‘Ian isn’t made permanent?’
    ‘You could always get another job.’
    ‘You have a point.’
    ‘There’s a reason you’re sitting in my kitchen.’
    We smile.
    ‘Thank you, oh wise one.’
    ‘You’re welcome, Grasshopper.’

CHAPTER FIVE
     
    D-day. Today, I break the news to my clients that I’m winding up the business. How, though? I’ve a nine-year relationship with my favourite client, Frank. That’s longer than I’ve been married.
    I should start by getting out of bed.
    There, over the first hurdle.
    Stuck at the second, though. Can’t decide what to wear. Not my favourite red jacket. Too cheery, too aggressive to bring down the axe in. Better to hide behind charcoal grey. I look in the mirror and wonder what I’m doing – turning my back on a great income, security, independence. I’ve no agent, no publisher, and no idea for a book. It’s not too late to change my mind.
    Sam wanders in, sporting a ruffled just-woken-up look, as he does twenty-four-seven. He’ll know what to do.
    ‘Sam, say yes or no.’
    ‘No.’
    His favourite word. We can therefore disregard it.
    ‘Ian, tell me I’m doing the right thing. I mean it’s not logical, is it?’
    No answer, though I know he’s awake.
     
    At breakfast:
    ‘Chloe, what do you think?’
    She examines me seriously then puts down her Coco-Pop-filled spoon, squints at me, then smiles like she has an answer. ‘Sea horses, Mum.’
    Okaaay.
    One last attempt at Ian. ‘What do you think, honey?’
    ‘I think I’m late for work.’ He stands, grabs a slice of toast, pecks my forehead and heads for the door, flinging his tie around his neck to be knotted, en route.
    My ‘Bye’ comes out as a sigh as I watch him disappear down the hall. He trips over an Action Man truck, but – heroically – keeps going.
    Then, it hits me. That is what I have to do. Keep going. Stick to the plan. Go after the life I want. Anything else would be selling my soul.
     
    Frank is first on my list. I take one last look around his office before breaking the news. His Yucca plant is as disinterested as ever. His geometrical screen saver is gyrating at the same slow pace. The blatantly branded coffee cups are looking a little sad but that’s nothing new. I realise that life will glide on without me.
    And so I get to the point.
    He leans back in his chair, face impassive. He folds his arms.
    He thinks me mad. He sees my invoices. He knows what I earn.
    ‘Well, fair dues to you, Ki m . Just going for it. To hell with the consequences.’
    Really?
    ‘We all dream,’ he says dreamily.
    I wonder what his is.
    He sighs. ‘But Mary’s not working. I’ve the mortgage to think about, school fees, pension plan....’
    Suddenly, I feel on the edge of some great adventure. I am Sinbad. I am Jules Verne. I am still terrified.
     
    Maeve suddenly sees me differently.
    ‘Where’ll I find someone as good as you – and at your rates?’ She taps her pen against the side of her forehead. Repeatedly. ‘Are there any agencies you’d recommend?’
    Suddenly, I feel sorry for her. ‘I’ll have a think.’
    She squints. ‘Are you sure you want to do this? It seems a bit drastic.’
    I nod.
    ‘Shouldn’t you have a stab at the writing first just to make sure it’s for you?’
    I smile. ‘Probably.’
    She thinks for a moment. ‘OK,’ she says then, like she’s granting me permission.
    I wonder about the people in her life. Is she like this with them, too?
    ‘Would it be all right to call you, occasionally?’ she asks.
    ‘If you’re stuck, I guess.’ But basically NO.
    ‘You’re giving me a month’s notice of course…’
    ‘Of course.’
    ‘Good. Good.’ Then she looks at me for a long time. ‘I’ll miss you, Kim.’
    Suddenly,