A Parent's Guide for Suicidal and Depressed Teens Read Online Free
Author: Kate Williams
Tags: Family & Relationships, Self-Help, Teenagers, depression, Life Stages, test
and listen to their hearts. Children are gifts, if we accept them. KATHLEEN TIERNEY CRILLY
The day the school social worker called me into her office to discuss her increasing concern about Rachel, I took my daughter to Planned Parenthood and set up an appointment with one of the family therapists at our health maintenance organization (HMO). My reaction to the crisis about a possible pregnancy was calm, but my emotional reaction to her thinking about suicide was horror.
I wasn't overly angry about the chance of pregnancy because I could account for it psychologically. Rachel was dependent on her boyfriend; her stepfather had left us without a word; and her
Page 20
father was busy being a workaholic doctor who gave her lots of loving words but little time or money. This combination of positive and negative behavior can be crazy-making. Her early sexual behavior seemed to fit with working out her feelings about men, abandonment, and searching for belonging. But I was terribly sad. I could understand it, but it made me feel guilty and sad that my choices had been such that Rachel hadn't had a stable father-figure in her life.
When I took Rachel to the doctor for birth control pills a few days after the pregnancy test at Planned Parenthood, I cried when I heard the nurses saying, "She's only thirteen." I'd told her many times before that I didn't think thirteen was old enough to have a sexual relationship. But it was obvious that this early sexuality was happening with many girls at her school. So I supported her. It was my responsibility to help her get birth control because I believed she had decided to be sexual regardless of what anyone said.
If your child has become sexually active, you must sort through your feelings so that you are able to be actively supportive.
Learn to Talk about Death Calmly
As I said before, I was terrified by the possibility of suicide. But when your child is talking about death
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and wanting to die, you have to learn how to talk about suicide in a calm manner. For me the first step in being a responsible parent in this situation was working through my feelings on the subject. As I mentioned earlier, the book Suicide: The Forever Decision helped me to talk directly about suicide, and that reduced my panic and terror.
If your child is talking about suicide, you are probably having intense feelings, including fear, anger, sadness, shame, and panic. I've been there, I know how intense it is, and I want you to know you can get through this time of fear. But to get through it, you have to let yourself feel the feelings.
I've divided the rest of this chapter into sections on different feelings and responses. Skip around to what seems most applicable to your life. Later I'll suggest ways to deal with these responses.
Denial
I don't know if denial is really a feeling. I think it is a block against any feeling, a lack of feeling, the refusal to feel the fear and anger and sadness at the possibility that your child could be contemplating suicide. But I call it a feeling because it's on a checklist of feelings I measure myself against every so often. Am I facing reality? Am I pretending everything is wonderful even though my daughter
Page 22
is lying on the couch watching TV with no desire to call a friend? I need to check out my denial rating often.
Panic
My first reaction to the idea of suicide was panic. I couldn't accept it. My mind flooded with a white light that was like electricity short-circuiting my thoughts. How could she not want to live? This beautiful person who had been such an incredibly alive baby and toddler! This was so impossible!
Panic is just a short step from denial. When I was feeling panicky, I said to myself, "Calm down. Why is this so hard for you?" I traced my panic to many factors: fear, stress, grief, and regret. I also attribute panic to my lack of information about suicide. But nobody else seemed to know much either. I often thought I was in over my
The day the school social worker called me into her office to discuss her increasing concern about Rachel, I took my daughter to Planned Parenthood and set up an appointment with one of the family therapists at our health maintenance organization (HMO). My reaction to the crisis about a possible pregnancy was calm, but my emotional reaction to her thinking about suicide was horror.
I wasn't overly angry about the chance of pregnancy because I could account for it psychologically. Rachel was dependent on her boyfriend; her stepfather had left us without a word; and her
Page 20
father was busy being a workaholic doctor who gave her lots of loving words but little time or money. This combination of positive and negative behavior can be crazy-making. Her early sexual behavior seemed to fit with working out her feelings about men, abandonment, and searching for belonging. But I was terribly sad. I could understand it, but it made me feel guilty and sad that my choices had been such that Rachel hadn't had a stable father-figure in her life.
When I took Rachel to the doctor for birth control pills a few days after the pregnancy test at Planned Parenthood, I cried when I heard the nurses saying, "She's only thirteen." I'd told her many times before that I didn't think thirteen was old enough to have a sexual relationship. But it was obvious that this early sexuality was happening with many girls at her school. So I supported her. It was my responsibility to help her get birth control because I believed she had decided to be sexual regardless of what anyone said.
If your child has become sexually active, you must sort through your feelings so that you are able to be actively supportive.
Learn to Talk about Death Calmly
As I said before, I was terrified by the possibility of suicide. But when your child is talking about death
Page 21
and wanting to die, you have to learn how to talk about suicide in a calm manner. For me the first step in being a responsible parent in this situation was working through my feelings on the subject. As I mentioned earlier, the book Suicide: The Forever Decision helped me to talk directly about suicide, and that reduced my panic and terror.
If your child is talking about suicide, you are probably having intense feelings, including fear, anger, sadness, shame, and panic. I've been there, I know how intense it is, and I want you to know you can get through this time of fear. But to get through it, you have to let yourself feel the feelings.
I've divided the rest of this chapter into sections on different feelings and responses. Skip around to what seems most applicable to your life. Later I'll suggest ways to deal with these responses.
Denial
I don't know if denial is really a feeling. I think it is a block against any feeling, a lack of feeling, the refusal to feel the fear and anger and sadness at the possibility that your child could be contemplating suicide. But I call it a feeling because it's on a checklist of feelings I measure myself against every so often. Am I facing reality? Am I pretending everything is wonderful even though my daughter
Page 22
is lying on the couch watching TV with no desire to call a friend? I need to check out my denial rating often.
Panic
My first reaction to the idea of suicide was panic. I couldn't accept it. My mind flooded with a white light that was like electricity short-circuiting my thoughts. How could she not want to live? This beautiful person who had been such an incredibly alive baby and toddler! This was so impossible!
Panic is just a short step from denial. When I was feeling panicky, I said to myself, "Calm down. Why is this so hard for you?" I traced my panic to many factors: fear, stress, grief, and regret. I also attribute panic to my lack of information about suicide. But nobody else seemed to know much either. I often thought I was in over my
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