fall asleep, but staying awake also brought back painful memories. Memories I sometimes wish I could wash away, even though I am aware that they are an important part of what my life is; who I am now. I stayed awake all night, anxiously waiting for daylight, so that I could fully return to my new life, to rediscover the happiness I had known as a child, the joy that had stayed alive inside me even through times when being alive itself became a burden. These days I live in three worlds: my dreams, and the experiences of my new life, which trigger memories from the past.
3
W E WERE IN Mattru Jong longer than we had anticipated. We hadn’t heard any news about our families and didn’t know what else to do except wait and hope that they were well.
We heard that the rebels were stationed in Sumbuya, a town twenty or so miles to the northeast of Mattru Jong. This rumor was soon replaced by letters brought by people whose lives the rebels had spared during their massacre in Sumbuya. The letters simply informed the people of Mattru Jong that the rebels were coming and wanted to be welcomed, since they were fighting for us. One of the messengers was a young man. They had carved their initials, RUF (Revolutionary United Front), on his body with a hot bayonet and chopped off all his fingers with the exception of his thumbs. The rebels called this mutilation “one love.” Before the war, people raised a thumb to say “One love” to each other, an expression popularized by the love and influence of reggae music.
When people received the message from the miserable messenger, they went into hiding in the forest that very night. But Khalilou’s family had asked us to stay behind and follow them with the rest of their property if things didn’t improve in the subsequent days, so we stayed put.
That night for the first time in my life I realized that it is the physical presence of people and their spirits that gives a town life. With the absence of so many people, the town became scary, the night darker, and the silence unbearably agitating. Normally, the crickets and birds sang in the evening before the sun went down. But this time they didn’t, and darkness set in very fast. The moon wasn’t in the sky; the air was stiff, as if nature itself was afraid of what was happening.
The majority of the town’s population was in hiding for a week, and more people went into hiding after the arrival of more messengers. But the rebels didn’t come on the day they said they would, and as a result, people started moving back into the town. As soon as everyone was settled again, another message was sent. This time the messenger was a well-known Catholic bishop who had been doing missionary work when he ran into the rebels. They didn’t do anything to the bishop except threaten that if he failed to deliver their message they would come for him. Upon receiving the word, people again left town and headed for their various hiding places in the forests. And we were again left behind, this time not to carry Khalilou’s family’s belongings, as we had already taken them into hiding, but to look after the house and to buy certain food products like salt, pepper, rice, and fish that we took to Khalilou’s family in the bush.
Another ten days of hiding, and still the rebels hadn’t arrived. There was nothing to do but conclude that they weren’t coming. The town came alive again. Schools reopened; people returned to their normal routines. Five days went by peacefully, and even the soldiers in town relaxed.
I would sometimes go for walks by myself in the late evening. The sight of women preparing dinner always reminded me of the times I used to watch my mother cook. Boys weren’t allowed in the kitchen, but she made an exception for me, saying, “You need to know how to cook something for your palampo * life.” She would pause, give me a piece of dry fish, and then continue: “I want a grandchild. So don’t be a palampo forever.”