A Fate Worse Than Death Read Online Free Page A

Holmes, or someone like that, was to start nosing around and asking lots of questions about Phil, especially when no one has seen him for a week, people would begin to get suspicious very quickly. I’d be faced with a lot of highly uncomfortable questions.”
    “It wouldn’t look good. It would weaken your authority.”
    “Precisely. However, if a no-bit bum, as you so accurately described yourself, was to be looking around and asking the same questions, I suspect nobody would care too much one way or another.”
    God’s point was well made. Not too tactful, but well made.
    “I mean,” God went on, “what other detective would be so incompetent, he would let himself be outfoxed by a troop of Girl Scouts?”
    “That was one mean troop of Girl Scouts.”
    “What other detective would be so inept, he would hand a missing dog to a suspicious wife, and photos of an unfaithful husband to a bereaved dog owner?”
    “I got confused. I’m not used to having one job at a time, let alone two. And besides, the husband and the dog were virtually indistinguishable.”
    “What other detective would be so stupid, he would accidentally bug his own home and then spend hours transcribing his own conversations?”
    “All right,” I growled, “I think you’ve made your point. Besides, this is a bit rich coming from the God who created Brussels sprouts and insurance companies.”
    “Touché,” said God. He took another drag from His cancer stick and then continued. “I think you should know that despite all of that, I have complete faith in your ability to solve this case.”
    “Thanks for the vote of confidence.”
    I turned and took a couple of steps over to the television and back, considering the assignment. God’s barbs hadn’t exactly filled me with a warm glow of self-assurance. Then again, compared to some of those recent jobs, going undercover as a dead guy seemed like a definite step forward.
    “So tell me, can you think of anyone who may have held a grudge against your son?”
    “This is Heaven,” said God. “It’s a place of peace and love. It is not a place where people hold grudges of any kind. And definitely not against any of my sons.”
    “You’re sure you have no idea what might have happened to him?”
    “Of course I have no idea. If I did, I wouldn’t have hired you. What do you expect? Do you think I can see everything?”
    “Actually, I thought you could.”
    God thought for a moment, the cigarette smoldering in His fingers. “You’re right, I can see everything,” He said after a while. “But it’s the darnedest thing. Even I can’t seem to see what happened to Phil. It’s as if there’s some kind of shadow or darkness blocking my vision.”
    Now that was something I definitely didn’t want to know more about. God’s talk of impenetrable shadows made me think again of the darkness I had floated through on my way into the light—the darkness I’d assumed I was going to be consumed by. I shivered at the thought and tried to force it from my mind by focussing on more cheerful things.
    “Before we take this any further, I believe there is the issue of payment to discuss. You mentioned that you were prepared to reward me well for my services. Plus, I have my expenses to consider. How many dollars are we talking about?”
    God laughed His throaty laugh again. “Did you ever hear the expression ‘money is the root of all evil’?”
    “Of course.”
    “Well it’s true. You’ll have no need for money up here. Anything you could want in Heaven, from any restaurant, shop, or market, can be acquired free of charge. No, I offer you a reward far more valuable than anything money can buy. Would you like to know what it is?”
    Part of me groaned inwardly. I’d heard this line far too often from potential clients who had no intention of paying. But then I reminded myself that this was God talking. Presumably He’d have something better to offer than a group hug when the job was over.
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