2500 Jokes to Start 'Em Laughing Read Online Free Page B

to start a family, you call them up, and they send over a teenager.
    My name is [ FIRST NAME ] O. [ LAST NAME ]. I was an unplanned addition to our family. The O stands for “Ooops.”
    My mother had eight kids. To her, birth control was making it to the delivery room.
    Now here’s the plan: We combine Raid and the Pill.
    It’s for people who want to get the bugs out of their sex life.
    They just came up with a legal definition of the Pill.
    It’s an accessory-before-the-sack!
    Shakespeare was so far ahead of his time, he even wrote a play about the Pill. It’s called
Love’s Labour’s Lost.
    A modern girl is someone who takes vitamin pills to put her in shape and birth control pills to keep her that way.
    Girls, you just can’t win. If you take the Pill, you get side effects. And if you don’t take the Pill, you get front effects.
    Birth control will never work. Somehow I just can’t see proud grandparents showing off pictures of the Pill.
    According to the Census Bureau, the birth rate has dropped dramatically. I don’t know what’s happening to this country. We have movies that are rated X and bedrooms that are rated G.
    England also has a declining birth rate but over there it’s a different problem. Have you ever heard “The Anniversary Song” in England? “Oh, how we danced on the night we were wed; we never made love ’cause we’re much too well bred!”
BIRTHDAY PARTIES
    When it comes to birthday parties, mothers fall into two groups. Those who think a birthday party for twenty-four five-year-old kids can be organized, educational, and fun—and those who have had one!
    You can always tell the experienced parents at a children’s birthday party. They don’t give the kids napkins—drop cloths!
    Yesterday my wife held a birthday party for two dozen five-year-olds. I asked her how it went. She said, “Don’t ever let me forget the Pill.”
    A kid’s birthday party is very educational. One of the first things you learn is never to serve five gallons of lemonade in a house with two bathrooms.
    It was like a traffic jam. You’ve never seen so many people stop and go!
    And it’s just amazing the names mothers teach their kids for this. One little kid came running up and said, “I have to wee-wee!” I said, “Wee-wee?” A second kid said, “I have to tinkle.” A third kid said, “I have to number-one.” A fourth kid said, “I have to sissie.” A fifth kid said, “I have to go to the bathroom.” I said to the first kid, “Isthat what you have to do—go to the bathroom?” He said, “No more.”
    Thanks to mothers, Berlitz has a brand-new language:
    Spanish, French, German, and Potty!
BIRTHDAYS
    It’s amazing how many Sweet Sixteen parties are canceled because of sickness—morning sickness.
    I don’t want to start any trouble, but have you noticed how a lot of people celebrate their birthdays television style? They celebrate their thirty-fifth birthday, and every year after that is a rerun!
    Birthday presents can be expensive. One time we gave our daughter a doll that drinks and wets. Cost us ten dollars for the doll and forty-five dollars to retrain the dog.
    I bought my son a bicycle for his birthday and I hid it where he’ll never find it—his bathtub.
    My boss has a peculiar sense of humor. For my birthday he gave me an antique bed warmer—a seventy-year-old call girl.
BODY-BUILDING
    You know those body-building schools? My agent submitted me to one and the next day he called me up. He said, “I have good news and I have bad news. The good news is, they want you to pose for before and after pictures with Don Knotts.” I said, “That’s great. What’s the bad news?” He said, “You’re the before.”
    I have the kind of figure that looks great in tapered shirts. Particularly if I wear them