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sensation at the beach? All she wore was a wrap—Saran!
    I said to her, “There’s something about that bathing suit I really like.” She said, “It’s nothing.” I said, “That’s it!”
BEACH
    I’ll tell you one thing. Anyone who says this country is in bad shape hasn’t been to the beach lately.
    It’s one of those Bill Bailey beaches. You take one look at what the girls are wearing and you don’t want to go home!
    They say you should never go swimming right after a heavy meal and I never knew why. So one day I tried it and now I know why. You take four strokes, burp once, and you’re right back where you started.
    I like to watch the way people go into the ocean for the first time. Especially the ones who take five steps into the water and then go like this: [ DUNK QUICKLY, BENDING YOUR KNEES SO THAT YOUR BODY DIPS DOWN AND THEN BACK AGAIN ]. I’ve heard of testing water with your elbow, but this is ridiculous!
BEAUTY CONTESTS
    This is the time of the year when they hold all those big beauty contests. You know what a beauty contest is. That’s where ten gorgeous girls are in bathing suits—and five middle-aged judges are in heaven!
    There’s only one drawback for a fella my age in being a beauty contest judge. There’s no money but you do get your meals. All day long you eat your heart out!
    I went up to the fella running the beauty contest and I said, “Are you the head judge?” He said, “Yes. I’m the head judge!” I said, “Good. I’ll take the legs!”
    If you ask me, there’s only one thing better than being a judge in a beauty contest. Being the tape measure!
    It’s fascinating talking to the contestants. The first girl said, “I’m a perfect 36 and tip the scales at 110.” The second girl said, “I’m a perfect 38 and tip the scales at 115.” The third girl said, “I’m a perfect 44—and the scales don’t tip. I do!”
    You should have seen this girl. I’ve never seen skin so well organized in all my life!
BEN HUR
    We watched
Ben Hur
on television, and wasn’t that a great chariot race? Charlton Heston cut off the driver on his right; sideswiped the one on his left; rammed the one up ahead. Then came that wonderful scene where they canceled his insurance!
    And during most of the picture, Charlton Heston was wearing this Roman miniskirt. It was fascinating. Now I know why they called him Ben Hur.
    Ben Hur
is the story of the early Christians. Today we still have early Christians. They’re the ones who get to sit in the back of the church.
BIBLE
    If God had believed in permissiveness, He would have given us the Ten Suggestions.
    As Moses said to the multitude when he showed them the Ten Commandments, “You might say they’re nonnegotiable demands.”
    Two priests of the Golden Calf are listening to Moses tell the multitude about the Ten Commandments. Finally, one leans over to the other and says, “Eight years of grammar school, four years of highschool, four years of college, four years of seminary, here we are on our first gig, and who comes along—Big Mouth!”
    The multitude was very upset over getting the Ten Commandments, and so was God. He had dictated fifteen!
    Youth has turned to religion. You can tell.
    Last week I was mugged for my Bible.
    The latest thing is musical versions of the Bible.
    It’s incredible. One of them has Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John singing: “If They Asked Me, I Could Write a Book.”
    Sometimes I wonder if the Bible is good for business. Like if the meek do inherit the earth, who’s going to collect the bills?
BIRTH CONTROL
    When it comes to birth control, you just can’t beat a good fight!
    If you’re living with your wife’s parents, the best birth control device is a bed that squeaks!
    They now have a foolproof method of birth control. If you and your wife want